I am so excited this week! Want to know why??

Of course you do!  This week I’m trying a new Authorly Experiment.  In order to spice this up and make it interesting for you, we’ll do a Q & A (Question and Answer) Session because I like to interview myself…

Me:  Did you really think it was necessary to put QUESTION and ANSWER in parenthesis?  Don’t you think most people know what that means?

Myself:  Probably they do, but I’m not taking any chances.  I fucking hate it when people use acronyms that the rest of us are just supposed to know.  Show of hands…how many of you know ‘SMH’ is ‘Shaking my head?’  Yeah, I had to google that.  But, ahem, that question is irrelevant to today’s topic.  Can we please move on?

Me:  Sure.  Why are we all here today?  What’s the point of the newsletter/blog post?

Myself:  For the first time EVER, I’m taking advantage of Amazon’s ‘Make your book free for five days’ offer.  If an author’s book is in Amazon Select, they get one five day period every ninety days to offer their book for FREE.  Completely free with no strings attached.

Me:  So, basically, you’re pawning free GARBAGE on unsuspecting readers?  Where’s the value in that?  If it’s free, doesn’t that mean it sucks so bad that normal people won’t lower themselves to buy it so you’re just randomly giving it away?  That reeks of desperation, dude.  Sorry for my bluntness, but I’m not one to hold back.

Myself:  No, not at all.  Don’t you ever go to the grocery store and have a free sample of pizza or sausage or ice cream?  This is pretty much the same principle.  I’m offering up a book for FREE in the hopes that people will download it, fall in love with my wit and charm, decide they absolutely must purchase the rest of my books, and therefore make me a millionaire.  Good plan, huh?

Me:  Yeah, I’m totally sure that will happen.  Anyway…how are you going to get them to buy more books of yours?  What’s the brilliant strategy there, Sherlock?

Myself:  I included the first two chapters of another book at the end of the free book.  They will get sucked in to the first two chapters of the other book and decide they must purchase it.  At least, that’s the hope.

Me:  Okay.  That has a teeny, tiny bit of a chance to work.  I’ll give you that.  So, what book are you giving away for free?

Myself:  Ungranted Wishes.

Me:  Ooh, cool title.  What’s it about?

Myself:  Here’s the blurb:

It would be putting it mildly to say that full-figured Cleo Welch was in a funk. Dead end job? Check. Bank account? Running low. Sex life? Non-existent.

Her luck took a turn for the better when she stumbled upon a magic brass pot at a rummage sale. After getting drunk and rubbing things the right way, Cleo found herself in possession of one extremely attractive genie who was very grateful to be released.

What’s a girl to do when a four thousand year old genie is far more interested in satisfying her every desire, rather than granting any of her wishes? Well…she does the genie. That’s a no-brainer!

WARNING: This full length novel contains quite a few explicit sex scenes (including ones involving candy that explodes, a dirty talking detective, and an ancient ritual performed with raspberries). Every scene is absolutely consensual between all parties involved. All my stories come with a guarantee that you will crack a smile, find a happily-ever-after ending, and never have to deal with an annoying cliffhanger. There’s also no cheating, no billionaires, no bigfoot sightings, and plenty of character backstory.

Me:  Are you sure this isn’t crap?

Myself:  Well, I published it in January of 2017, so I might have forgotten all the nuances of the plot since it’s been a year and a half.  I actually went back and re-read it this weekend to refresh my memory.

Me:  And?  Thumbs up or did it stink?

Myself:  This is embarrassing to admit, but I got teary in a few places!  I also laughed out loud more than once.  I have to say that I genuinely liked this story.  Then I got mad at myself for not putting this in my top faves of stuff I wrote.  (The top spots are currently held by Mowed and My Dirty Detour.)

Me:  You’re rambling again, dude.  So, let’s wrap this up, okay?

Myself:  Okay!  Click on this link and go download my free book!

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01N7SLZER

Me:  Whoa, whoa.  We’re not done yet.  We have a few questions left before you go run off and eat a caramel apple.

Myself:  Ooh, creepy.  How did you know I was going to eat a caramel apple?

Me:  Because I’m you!  Duh.  Anyway…who should download this book?

Myself:  EVERYONE READING THIS FUCKING NEWSLETTER OR BLOG POST SHOULD DOWNLOAD THE BOOK!  Have you never read UNGRANTED WISHES?  Download the book.  Have you read UNGRANTED WISHES through KINDLE UNLIMITED?  Download the book so it will be in your forever library.  Have you received an ARC (Advanced Reader Copy) of UNGRATED WISHES that I sent to your kindle?  Download the book so your review will suddenly become ‘verified.’

Me:  Slow down there, princess.  Ease up on the caps lock, okay?  What do you have to gain by everyone downloading this book?  It’s F-R-E-E, therefore you aren’t gaining anything by it!

Myself:  Yes, I am!  The more people that download the book, the higher it gets ranked in the free store, therefore giving it more exposure to EVERYONE!

Me:  Okay.  Valid point.  Besides your newsletter, what are you doing to spread the word about such a major giveaway on this literary masterpiece?

Myself:  I did about five newsletter swaps, I advertised in about thirteen free newsletters, and I did PAID advertising in three other newsletters.  I’m also going to spam Facebook so hard and fast, that I get thrown into jail.

Me:  Wait, what?  Back it up!  You PAID to advertise a FREE book?  Are you fucking nuts?

Myself:  Evidently.  Please don’t rub it in.  I hate paying for stuff.  It nearly killed me.  That’s why I’m so super excited this week.  I need to see lots of free books roll out the door.  If I only unload like fifty of these things, I’m going to drown my sorrows in something stronger than a caramel apple.

Me:  Vodka?

Myself:  Fuck no.  I was thinking more along the lines of dark chocolate.

Me:  Okay.  So what’s your goal?  If fifty books would make you cry tears of agony, what would make you shit yourself in happiness?

Myself:  Two thousand.

Me:  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Good luck with that.

Myself:  thanks, I need all the luck I can get.

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Yes, in case you hadn’t noticed, I really, REALLY like interviewing myself.

Anyway…please download my book, Ungranted Wishes.  It will be ABSOLUTELY free on Amazon from September 25-29, 2018.  I know that a large amount of my readers are NOT from America, and I’ve honestly never done one of these free promos before, so I can’t guarantee it will be free for those of you in other countries.  So, please, please PLEASE double check that it’s free before you one-click!  If it is not free, then just run away and I won’t have any hard feelings.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01N7SLZER

If any of you kind souls would be interesting in sharing my freebie, please feel free.  You can post it on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, MySpace, Reddit, Goodreads, YouTube, Tumblr, Flickr, Google+, Weibo, Tinder, and anywhere else you see fit.  (Yeah, you KNOW I googled social media platforms to compile that epic list!)

In conclusion…

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01N7SLZER

Yeah.  FREE!!!!!!

Don’t worry, I promise to give you an update in a week or two and let you know how I fared.  We’ll either be whooping it up to celebrate my success, or shoving candy bars down our throats to commiserate in my failure.  Either way, dark chocolate will be involved.

Talk to you soon….