Let’s time travel!

Ok.  So August is a very busy month for me.  I have THREE writing projects going at once (yes, I am insane) so I’m going to answer a reader question today instead of doing the usual blog post about a random topic.

READER:  Where did you get your start as a writer?

(In the effort to strive for transparency and honesty, no reader asked me that.  I just thought of a funny story and figured I’d try to squeeze it into a blog post.  HOWEVER….I am a reader and so it counts as me asking myself a question)

My Reply:  Thank you very much for asking.  As a matter of fact, I do have a very interesting writerly origin story.   Let’s time travel WAY back to eight year old me in elementary school.  Maybe I was only six?  I think it was first or second grade.  I was NOT a fan of my teacher because she liked to call me out on the fact that I had yet to learn to tie my shoes.  Hey lady, some of us are late bloomers!  Anyway, we had a writing project for the class.  I’m sketchy on all the details because it was a super long time ago.  I do know that the end result was to be a picture and a sentence on a giant sheet of paper.  My drawing ended up being a pot of gold, a rainbow, and a leprechaun.  Very nice, right?  Don’t worry, the story gets better.  It is ME after all.  Evidently I wrote a dandy of a sentence.  So good that my teacher showed it to my mom after class and my mom kept it for a DECADE to show me once I got older and would understand just what the heck was so funny about it.  By now you’re on the  edge of your seat, right?  Without further ado, here is my sentence:

“I won’t let you steal my pot of gold, you horny leprechaun!”

Obviously I had no idea what “horny” meant at that age.  And yes, I did keep my virginity for a VERY long time, so maybe “pot of gold” was a euphemism.

Out of the mouths of babes, right?

So in conclusion… my career as a naughty little romance writer started at a very young age, my mom is a pervert who likes to torture me with embarrassing moments, and don’t worry…you WILL learn to tie your shoes someday.  Or just wait until Velcro is invented and you’ll be fine.

Have a great day and thanks for reading!!

Advertisements

The Shake Weight and why I absolutely LOVE it…

Hi everyone.  As you may or may not know, I love to go to rummage sales and find bargains.  Actually rummage sales are usually the crap that people are getting rid of that I don’t want.  What I love are estate sales.  These are usually run by estate sale companies and, if I’m lucky, they have half off on the last sale day.  Even better, once in a while, they’ll have $5 for anything you can fit into a box.  I love this and freak out.

So two weeks I went to a fantastic estate sale and got a $5 box of stuff on the last day.  What was in my box?  A bunch of books to sell on Ebay, some winter gloves, and my find of the century:  the shake weight.

Are you laughing at my shake weight?  Why?  Because there are several parodies about how the shake weight looks like you’re holding someone’s junk and jerking off?  Yes, you are correct.  There is no arguing that point whatsoever.  I considered selling it on the internet because it was NEW in the box with the DVD and everything.  But I couldn’t bring myself to sell it.  I wanted to try that sucker.  I want to bulk up like a body builder and have muscles upon muscles.  I want to be Rocky and Dmitry and have the ability to MESS PEOPLE UP.  Is that ever going to happen?  HAHAHAHA of course not.  But I can pretend.  I’m good at fiction.

I got out the shake weight (it’s heavy…it’s the 5 pound manly version that’s way too big for my dainty girl hand), popped in the video, and hope no one looked in my window and saw what I was doing.  I can honestly say that I like the shake weight.  The video man says I can use it for only six minutes a day and see results.  I can totally feel the burn after about a minute.  That’s not very impressive because I’m horribly out of shape, but it proves that it’s doing something!  So I watch the video and do the workout.

I love the video more than the shake weight.  The DVD has two dudes.  One is the dude telling me what to do and offering running commentary.  I want to tell him to SHUT UP and try it himself.  The other guy is the toned buff dude actually USING the shake weight.  He has no expression on his face AT ALL and I want to hear him speak.  I want to know what he’s thinking.  At certain points in the video, I can tell he’s feeling the burn and I laugh at him.  But most of all…my mind wanders WAY lower than his face and I think naughty thoughts.  Is that wrong?  In my defense, he has really nice abs.  Sorry.  Going off course.

Last night I was in a hurry and too lazy to put the video in the computer.  I went into the living room to look at the clock and time the workout.  Unfortunately my husband was in the living room and this led to some rather awkward conversation.  Here are his extremely RUDE comments….

(1) “This would be a lot more entertaining if you were topless.”

AND

(2) “Why the hell are you eating a candy bar afterwards?  That sorts of negates the workout, doesn’t it?”

He clearly has NO appreciation for my effort to stay in shape and OBVIOUSLY I needed a reward (candy bar) after such a strenuous six minute exercise.  Okay, if we’re being honest, only four minutes were spent exercising and two minutes were spent laughing after his “topless” comment.

In conclusion….the shake weight is FABULOUS, the video man is HOT, and it’s probably frowned upon to eat chocolate bars thirty seconds after a workout.

Thanks for reading and have a great day!!