My Summer Vacation…(with photos!)

Hello Everyone!  I haven’t done any recent blog posts because I went on a summer vacation to fabulous Las Vegas!  That means you’re stuck hearing about my vacation now.  Lucky you!

Whenever anyone I know goes on vacation, I always tell them to take lots of food pictures, pay attention for any sightings of famous people, and remember any good stories.  So that’s what you’re going to get today.

Food Pictures:

Here is the French pancake with caramelized apples that I ate for breakfast.  It was fantastic:

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We honestly had no bad food the entire time, which I was thankful for.  However, I do have one complaint that hopefully won’t bring on a firestorm of hate my way…  I’m an avid reader of the celebrity gossip magazines and they’re always mentioning how the movie stars go to “In-n-Out Burger” after all the awards shows.  So naturally, I wanted to try one.  If they’re good enough for the movie stars, bring it on!  Here is the picture of the burger:

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Where is it?  Exactly!  The hamburgers I get at McDonalds have more burger than that!  #NotImpressed.  The French fries were really good though.

Famous People Sightings:

I have traveled a fair amount in my life and I never see anyone famous.  I saw a soccer star in an airport once.  It was an American soccer star and not like David Beckham or anything.  I honestly have no idea how famous people (or even D-List reality stars) go anywhere without getting mobbed by people who know them.  Are there some secret back-door entrances to all these places that I don’t know about?  I didn’t even see any paparazzi!  It’s probably all for the best because I’d just point, stutter, and act like a total moron anyway.

There were a lot of beautiful people walking down the street though.  I live in a place that doesn’t have much in the way of eye-candy, so it was nice to see some new faces.  I told my husband that he should have a code word if he wanted to point out any hot chicks.  I can always appreciate a beautiful woman, so why not?  If I gave you, dear reader, a million guesses as to what he gave me for a code word, you still wouldn’t get it.  Are you consumed with curiosity yet?  “Tuberculosis.”  Yes, you read that correctly.  He chooses odd code words.  Needless to say, that word was never used the entire vacation because it’s the worst code word in the history of code words.

Good Stories:

One of the highlights of the vacation was feeding the fish at Lake Mead.  I’m an animal lover, so feeding any creature always appeals to me.  In case you’re unfamiliar with Lake Mead, it’s one of the national parks in Nevada.  It’s a beautiful lake surrounded by mountains and it was honestly just as breathtaking as the Grand Canyon.  I’ll show you so you can judge for yourself….

Lake Mead:

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Grand Canyon:

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Anyway, you walk down the pier at Lake Mead on your way to the boats in the marina.  Fish literally come up to the pier and open their mouths at you in the hopes you will feed them.  What do they want?  Popcorn.  Yes, you also read that correctly.  The fish eat popcorn that the tourists buy and throw to them.  I got two bags of the stuff, but I could have spent ALL day just throwing popcorn to the fish.  I also fed the ducks.  Here is a picture:

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Getting sick of pictures yet?  I have a few more and then you can go on with your lives.  This is a picture of a person sitting on a rock at the Grand Canyon:

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This is a picture from farther away so you can put it in perspective:

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What the hell is the matter with people?  ONE SNEEZE or ONE WRONG MOVE and you’ve just fallen to your death.

Do you know what else they have at the Grand Canyon?  Squirrels That Carry Fleas that Carry the Plague.  I shit you not.  Don’t believe me?  Here’s photographic proof:

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This is 2016 and we’re still worried about the plague?  Wow.  I did NOT even know that was a concern anymore.  It wasn’t on my radar, but perhaps it should be?

In conclusion…the vacation was awesome, I lost exactly eleven dollars gambling, the Grand Canyon has many hidden dangers including but not limited to the plague, and I think that Rocky and Violet might have to take a vacation to Vegas one of these days.

(In case you have no clue who Rocky and Violet are, they just happen to be the main characters in my book, My Dirty Detour.  Violet is a germaphobe and Rocky is ex-mafia.  What better place for them to go than Las Vegas?)

Thanks for reading and have a great day!

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Let’s time travel!

Ok.  So August is a very busy month for me.  I have THREE writing projects going at once (yes, I am insane) so I’m going to answer a reader question today instead of doing the usual blog post about a random topic.

READER:  Where did you get your start as a writer?

(In the effort to strive for transparency and honesty, no reader asked me that.  I just thought of a funny story and figured I’d try to squeeze it into a blog post.  HOWEVER….I am a reader and so it counts as me asking myself a question)

My Reply:  Thank you very much for asking.  As a matter of fact, I do have a very interesting writerly origin story.   Let’s time travel WAY back to eight year old me in elementary school.  Maybe I was only six?  I think it was first or second grade.  I was NOT a fan of my teacher because she liked to call me out on the fact that I had yet to learn to tie my shoes.  Hey lady, some of us are late bloomers!  Anyway, we had a writing project for the class.  I’m sketchy on all the details because it was a super long time ago.  I do know that the end result was to be a picture and a sentence on a giant sheet of paper.  My drawing ended up being a pot of gold, a rainbow, and a leprechaun.  Very nice, right?  Don’t worry, the story gets better.  It is ME after all.  Evidently I wrote a dandy of a sentence.  So good that my teacher showed it to my mom after class and my mom kept it for a DECADE to show me once I got older and would understand just what the heck was so funny about it.  By now you’re on the  edge of your seat, right?  Without further ado, here is my sentence:

“I won’t let you steal my pot of gold, you horny leprechaun!”

Obviously I had no idea what “horny” meant at that age.  And yes, I did keep my virginity for a VERY long time, so maybe “pot of gold” was a euphemism.

Out of the mouths of babes, right?

So in conclusion… my career as a naughty little romance writer started at a very young age, my mom is a pervert who likes to torture me with embarrassing moments, and don’t worry…you WILL learn to tie your shoes someday.  Or just wait until Velcro is invented and you’ll be fine.

Have a great day and thanks for reading!!

The Shake Weight and why I absolutely LOVE it…

Hi everyone.  As you may or may not know, I love to go to rummage sales and find bargains.  Actually rummage sales are usually the crap that people are getting rid of that I don’t want.  What I love are estate sales.  These are usually run by estate sale companies and, if I’m lucky, they have half off on the last sale day.  Even better, once in a while, they’ll have $5 for anything you can fit into a box.  I love this and freak out.

So two weeks I went to a fantastic estate sale and got a $5 box of stuff on the last day.  What was in my box?  A bunch of books to sell on Ebay, some winter gloves, and my find of the century:  the shake weight.

Are you laughing at my shake weight?  Why?  Because there are several parodies about how the shake weight looks like you’re holding someone’s junk and jerking off?  Yes, you are correct.  There is no arguing that point whatsoever.  I considered selling it on the internet because it was NEW in the box with the DVD and everything.  But I couldn’t bring myself to sell it.  I wanted to try that sucker.  I want to bulk up like a body builder and have muscles upon muscles.  I want to be Rocky and Dmitry and have the ability to MESS PEOPLE UP.  Is that ever going to happen?  HAHAHAHA of course not.  But I can pretend.  I’m good at fiction.

I got out the shake weight (it’s heavy…it’s the 5 pound manly version that’s way too big for my dainty girl hand), popped in the video, and hope no one looked in my window and saw what I was doing.  I can honestly say that I like the shake weight.  The video man says I can use it for only six minutes a day and see results.  I can totally feel the burn after about a minute.  That’s not very impressive because I’m horribly out of shape, but it proves that it’s doing something!  So I watch the video and do the workout.

I love the video more than the shake weight.  The DVD has two dudes.  One is the dude telling me what to do and offering running commentary.  I want to tell him to SHUT UP and try it himself.  The other guy is the toned buff dude actually USING the shake weight.  He has no expression on his face AT ALL and I want to hear him speak.  I want to know what he’s thinking.  At certain points in the video, I can tell he’s feeling the burn and I laugh at him.  But most of all…my mind wanders WAY lower than his face and I think naughty thoughts.  Is that wrong?  In my defense, he has really nice abs.  Sorry.  Going off course.

Last night I was in a hurry and too lazy to put the video in the computer.  I went into the living room to look at the clock and time the workout.  Unfortunately my husband was in the living room and this led to some rather awkward conversation.  Here are his extremely RUDE comments….

(1) “This would be a lot more entertaining if you were topless.”

AND

(2) “Why the hell are you eating a candy bar afterwards?  That sorts of negates the workout, doesn’t it?”

He clearly has NO appreciation for my effort to stay in shape and OBVIOUSLY I needed a reward (candy bar) after such a strenuous six minute exercise.  Okay, if we’re being honest, only four minutes were spent exercising and two minutes were spent laughing after his “topless” comment.

In conclusion….the shake weight is FABULOUS, the video man is HOT, and it’s probably frowned upon to eat chocolate bars thirty seconds after a workout.

Thanks for reading and have a great day!!