Hello, everyone. Believe it or not, I lead a simple life. Therefore, I find myself struggling to come up with interesting newsletter/blog post topics to keep you entertained. This week we have a myriad of random updates on my life. I’ll try to keep you on the edge of your seat, but don’t expect too much!
Still with me? Away we go…
Topic one: Trick-or-Treat. Since it’s the Halloween season, I figured I’d take a trip down memory lane and share some of my past experiences passing out candy to the kids who come knocking on my door. Ever since I was little, I’ve either gone trick or treating as a kid, or ‘retired’ to passing out candy as an adult. This is a tradition that I look forward to every single year. Why? Because something interesting always happens. Would you like some examples?
The kids are either supremely impressed with the treats I’m passing out, or they complain bitterly as they walk down my driveway. In the course of one evening, I received a “Wow! Milky Way bars? I love this neighborhood!” as a happy customer ran back to his mom and showed off his treasure. Not more than two groups of kids later, I got a “Chocolate bars? I don’t like those. Don’t you have anything else?”
No, miss picky-pants. This is not a grocery store and you are not actually paying for the free candy I’m dumping into your giant pillowcase slash candy bag. Take what you get!
Then there was the time a few years ago when a very unhappy young man grouchily informed me that my cat almost bit him. I was totally confused and stared blankly until his mother pointed to the cat sitting near my front bushes hissing as the kids walked up to my door.
“You should really put that thing in the house. It’s not friendly, you know,” she snapped rudely.
No, I didn’t know it wasn’t friendly. Namely because I don’t have a fucking cat. Some black and white stray feline decided to choose my front yard as its new home. Naturally I took pity on the thing because I could relate to the anti-social hissing nature of the beast. So what did I do? I screamed for my ‘fixer’ to take care of the problem.
My husband, who was in the processing of grilling hamburgers in our backyard, was kind enough to put on a pair of gloves and move my new friend to a safe place out of the way of children. Being the animal lover that I am, I got out an old bowl and filled it with water for the kitty. But it was probably hungry too, right? So I got another old bowl and put some fancy salmon dog food in there. Cats like fish. Yes, it’s really dog food, but beggars can’t be choosers. LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU, MISS ANTI-CHOCOLATE TRICK OR TREATER GIRL!
By now my dog was getting somewhat concerned because food and water was being served to someone that wasn’t her. I took turns answering the door for the trick and treaters and running to my back patio to see if my new cat liked her food.
Yes. She liked it a bit too much. The damn thing decided to MEOW at the top of her lungs and try clawing her way through my screen door in order to get inside of the place where she decided she’d like to permanently reside.
Sorry, dude. No can do. I have a dog, and a husband that refuses to have a pet that goes to the bathroom in the house. I’m also allergic.
So I just left her outside to fend for herself. Oh well. Survival of the fittest and all.
Whoa. Did you actually believe I’d do that? Hell no! People are on their own, but I’m a softie when it comes to any animal. I called the police and told them there was a stray cat and they actually sent a cop in a squad car to come and get it! I expected them to call animal control or something, but it was a holiday (Halloween) and they were closed. The cop was super nice (and super hot by the way) and he came and boxed up the cat and took her away. Yes, she required a box. The damn thing was beyond feisty. I like to believe she became the police station mascot like a Dalmatian at a fire station. Who knows? All I know is that I did my part to help one of nature’s furry friends.
Topic Two: puddles on my bed. What a coincidence that we should be discussing animals for our first topic and then I casually led us to our second story which also involves a wild animal.
This isn’t a humorous story so much as a plea for help and suggestions on how to fix my current life dilemma. Don’t worry, it’s nothing sad. I would never do that to you. It’s mostly aggravating more than anything. I have been dealing with mystery puddles on my bed for the past three weeks. Gross huh? You’re probably thinking to yourself, “What’s the mystery? It’s dog piss!”
Perhaps…but maybe not. We started giving the dog a new type of food. Not more than a week later, I started finding random puddles on my bed. The dog is fully housetrained, the puddles do NOT smell like pee, and I’m still not sure that’s actually what they are. We got her off the new food and things returned to normal for a week. No puddles. Problem solved? Nope.
Last week I had to wash THREE different comforters. I’m running out of blankets, my dryer is too small to handle them and it takes three tries to get the things completely dry, and I got no patience left. I put a heavy duty denim sleeping bag on the bed as an effort to curb the soak through. It STILL soaked through!
The dog acts like herself with no medical issues, she only does the puddle once a day, and if you point to it and say, “What the fuck, dude?” she simply stares at you in confusion. As in, no guilt. If she knew she peed, there would be guilt. At least I hope there would.
My husband is not as frustrated as I am. Namely because he’s not stuck doing the laundry. In fact, he actually likes it. He feels like he’s living in a hotel with nightly maid service and fresh sheets.
Oh, hell no!
But I have not yet given up the fight, dear reader. We have black plastic sheets for putting down in your yard and preventing weeds from growing under your landscape rocks. So my husband (Mr. Fix It) cut a bed-sized sheet and we placed it on the bed covering all the blankets. Good luck now, dog. The ball is in your court! Game on!
Topic Three: Authorly Update. I have been pretty busy busting my balls in order to get a new book ready for release. This is a full length romantic suspense action adventure comedy with a bad-ass lead and sexy hero. It is roughly 102,000 words and counting. I have probably two chapters left…that will turn into five chapters because I keep thinking I should be done but the characters won’t stop ‘talking’ to me. By the next newsletter (I’m thinking next weekend?) there should be an ARC sign up form ready for you. I’m still working on the cover, which absolutely kicks my ass because I stink at graphic design and get super frustrated. Oh well. That which doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.
Ah, one last thing. Tuesday November 6 is the day we should ALL go to the polls and vote. Unless you’re not from the United States, then I’ll give you a pass on that. Please, people. I’m literally on my hands and knees fucking BEGGING you. GO VOTE. Make your voices heard. Embrace the democracy we live in and exercise your right to cast the ballot for your candidate of choice. Vote with your heart, ask yourself if you’re happy with the way things are going in this country, and if you believe in a certain candidate, go out and give them your support. Most importantly, let’s try to remember that we’re all in the same boat here. We’re all humans. We all cry and bleed and love and hate and live and die. It’s time to come together for the greater good of mankind and quit fighting like soldiers on opposite sides of a war. WE ARE ALL AMERICANS. Our founding fathers gave their lives in order to make this country the place that it is. Let’s not fuck it up and disappoint them. #Resist.
Oh, before I forget…in case you’re looking for great stories to fill your kindle…let me make some suggestions…
Poor Choices: A choose your own ending Adult Novel…FREE on Amazon
Yeah, you read that right. A choose your own adventure for adults. I was just browsing Amazon for interesting books to put in my newsletter and this baby instantly caught my eye. I fucking LOVED choose your own adventures when I was little. Add in the porn aspect and you had me at FREE!
Karma by Nadine Nightingale…….$0.99 on Amazon (I read this entire trilogy and loved it!)
Blurb: People call me all sorts of names—bad girl, black sheep, and my all-time favorite…Satan’s bride. I could blame the fact I’m a witch for my behavior, but the truth is I’m infuriating, arrogant, and stab-worthy.
Alex Remington is a hunter and everything I’m not—righteous, honest, caring. We used to have a thing, but that was before he learned I’m a witch and tried to kill me.
Eighteen months later, he’s back in my life and we have a deal; I’ll help him save his brother and he’ll disappear from my life for good. But karma can be a real bitch…
Vampire’s Mail Order Bride…………Free on Amazon and it looks cute…
His Football by Chelsea Greene………$2.99 on Amazon.
Him: Tech genius, billionaire, serial dater of supermodels and actresses.
Me: The girl who flipped him off and told him to shove a football up his ass.
When Antoine Zellyk rolled into town and purchased a football team, he also bought out the company where I was interning so he could tear down the building to make way for a new stadium. All the employees were relocated. All the interns (all one of them) were out of work. So I let the tall, dark and loathsome man know how I felt before storming out the building. When he sent me a job offer six weeks later, I was understandably hesitant to accept.
Me: Entrepreneur, about to lose ownership of my new NFL franchise
Her: Young graphic designer that could save my team and my company
Ryoko’s got the exact skill set I need to help me put together the biggest presentation of my career. And as an added bonus, she’s quite attractive. I can’t help but feel like I know her from somewhere, though. Tech genius, billionaire, serial dater of supermodels and actresses.
There you have it, people. Happy Halloween, Go Vote, and look for an ARC sign-up in my next newsletter! Have a good week!!!!!
til next time….