I try to be a good person and do the right thing, yet life constantly likes to kick me in the sack. Hard. Who wants a good story of my epic fail from last Thursday? Show of hands, please…
Okay, you’ve convinced me to tell the tale.
Once upon a time, or three days ago to be exact, I tried to save birds’ lives. Let me explain that I live in the Midwest, United States of America, and we’ve had unseasonably sucktastic weather. Evidently Christmas and Easter have decided to swap weather, and we got DUMPED ON with a massive amount of snow in the past week. What does this mean? It means that any bird who migrated North for Spring was in a world of hurt because the ground was snow covered and they can’t dig for worms.
It’s cold, snowy, they’re starving, and super pissed off.
Two robins actually dropped dead outside the building where I work, not to mention the plight of the poor things was all over the news. I’m a good Samaritan/humanitarian/animal lover, so naturally I was eager to offer any assistance to help the cause.
A co-worker who was smarter than me told me to Google what robins eat, because they don’t like birdseed. What? A bird that doesn’t eat birdseed? Eager to prove her wrong, I googled. Sure enough, robins like sunflower seeds, peanuts, apples, berries, and raisins.
No worries. I can buy all that. So I went to the store and spent no less than $12 on a bag of sunflower seeds, a jar of peanuts, TWO bags of apples (macintosh and gala), and two canisters of raisins.
I drove home on my lunch break full of excitement that I was going to SAVE LIVES and make a difference in the world. Imagine my glee when I pulled into my driveway and saw a robin peeking around the corner at me. Guess what, buddy? It’s your lucky day!
I threw some sunflower seeds and peanuts at him, but he flew away. Idiot bird! I’m trying to HELP YOU.
So I got the shovel, cleared not one but TWO sections of lawn so the birds could find my food in the grass instead of having to dig through snow to get it. I littered the grassy areas with peanuts, seeds, raisins, and an apple that I lovingly cut up into bird size chunks. Yes, there was a small amount of manual labor involved in this project. I also noticed that the sun had melted a large area of driveway snow, so I sprinkled that area heavily with more raisins, nuts, and seeds.
My yard was a fucking all-you-can-eat buffet of epic proportions.
I went inside, ate lunch, took my dog out to pee, and carefully peeked around the corner. No birds. Okay. No worries.
Let’s fast forward to a few hours later. My husband and I both come home from work and not one stupid fucking bird has touched one scrap of food in my entire yard.
This is the ensuing conversation:
My husband: “Why did I just drive over a bunch of food on the driveway?”
Me: “I’m saving bird lives.”
Him: “Then why aren’t the birds actually eating your food?”
Me: “They’re dumb fuckers.”
Him: “Why didn’t you just buy birdseed and throw it in the yard? You do realize I just squashed a bunch of raisins and now they’re stuck to my tires, right?”
Me: “The birds don’t EAT birdseed! Google it!”
Him: “Clearly they also don’t eat all the shit you just bought. Why did you need two bags of apples, anyway?”
Me: “They were on sale. How did I know they wouldn’t suddenly start dropping out of the sky and swarm the yard, creating a massive bird fight club in order to get the best chunks of apples? I don’t want to be responsible for that kind of a melee.”
Him: “Yeah, okay. Good luck with that.”
— — — — —
So let’s fast forward to today, Sunday. I wised up and took a snow shovel to fling all the food from the driveway to the grass. The snow is almost fully melted and not one fucking bird has eaten any of my food. That’s not to say that it’s all still there…
On one of the many ‘bird checks’ to see if anything was eating my food, my dog was kind enough to accompany me. I turned my back on her for one second and she started scarfing down peanuts like she was a starving robin.
I immediately yelled at her to ‘LEAVE IT!’ because she knows what that means. In response, I got a very dirty look. If she could talk, she would have said, “But ma, the snow melted and the yard started growing food! Actual food! There’s raisins out here, man…let’s dig in!”
I’m actually convinced the whole ‘let’s buy food for the dying birds’ is just a grocery store conspiracy to sucker naïve rubes such as myself into forking out hard earned money to waste on fruit, seeds, and nuts. I’ve eaten four apples in three days.
Lessons learned from this….
1) BIRDS ARE STUPID.
2) My dog feels bad for me and is the only one willing to help me feel better.
3) I really like macintosh apples.
There you have it folks. Just another day in the life of Grace Risata.