Computers are my new enemy…just waiting for the total destruction of Earth!

Hello everyone!  It’s been a few weeks since my last newsletter/blog post because (1) nothing exciting has happened and I don’t think you want to read about the lint clogging up my dryer vent and (2) I’ve been working on a top secret Authorly experiment that I shall report back on in the future.

But enough about excuses as to why I’m lazy and haven’t updated you on my thrilling life, because we can now move on and discuss something very heart-stopping that recently occurred.  Let me set the scene.

It was a lovely Saturday morning and I just crawled my ass out of bed after hearing the confused voice of my husband.

“Something is weird with the computer.  All the favorites are gone in Internet Explorer and it looks strange.”

Naturally he called me because I’m the tech support department in the family.  That’s the first mistake.  I fixed a computer virus ONE time and I write books.  That makes me an expert on computers.  Also, I can type about 80 words a minute and he hunts and pecks with two index fingers.  But I digress.

I scooted him away from the computer and took a look at the situation.

It wasn’t pretty, folks.  It wasn’t pretty AT ALL.

Desktop picture of a beautiful Hawaii sunset?  Gone and replaced with the standard image you’d see after first turning on a new computer that hasn’t been customized.  Any folders or program icons that you’d see on your desktop?  Vanished.  All the ‘favorite websites’ that appear when you go on the internet?  Gone with the wind.  Every Single Document and Picture I have saved including Finished Books, Books in Progress, and 800 pictures of my dog?  Bye Bye!  Everything was one hundred percent G-O-N-E.

I forced myself to take a few cleansing breaths and reminded my palpitating heart that all my books were saved on several flash drives laying around my house.  I may be lazy at times, but I’m religious about saving stories to a flash drive EVERY TIME I WRITE.  Thank God for flash drives.

Obviously my first instinct was to blame my husband.

“Okay,” I stated calmly, “Who was the last person on the computer?”

I knew who it was because he stayed up til eleven o’clock at night playing on the internet while I caught up on DVR shows and fell asleep on the couch at ten because I’m old.

“I guess I was…but I didn’t DO anything,” he insisted.  “I was on Craigslist and Zillow!  I swear!”

I know he likes to scour Craigslist for cars that we’ll never buy and stalk Zillow for houses in Hawaii that would require not one, but TWO lottery ticket jackpots to have any hope of affording.  It’s not like he goes on ‘pornhub’ or any ‘scary-sites-that-will-break-my-computer-and-force-my-wife-to-kill-me’ places.

“And NOTHING unusual happened last night?” I asked, desperate to get him to admit his guilt.  He’s been to known to get weird pop-ups before and he immediately calls me over by the computer to press control-alt-delete to exit.

He swore up and down that he was innocent, so I did the only thing that might work.  Complete System Restore.

Thank God for the Complete System Restore.  I was able to restore the computer to a restore point from twenty-four hours earlier and my life (and files) returned to normal.

My husband was quite relieved and asked me what I thought caused this devastating problem.

“Well, it said that Windows performed a critical update at two in the morning yesterday and that might have messed things up.”

“What did you just say?” he slowly asked with a hint of wickedness.

“It was probably a stupid windows update that broke everything,” I replied with a shrug of my shoulders.

“So you immediately freaked out and blamed me for no reason when it was the computer’s fault and not mine?  That sounds about right.”

I may or may not be in trouble for that.  In my defense, we’ve been married for seventeen years so he should be accustomed to me freaking out and overreacting.  The man has the patience of a saint.

Lessons learned from this narrowly avoided tragedy?

1)  Keep saving your files to a flash drive.  Good job with this routine.

2)  Turn OFF your computer’s ‘automatic updates’ feature.  It will be a bit more difficult for my computer to help take over the world when it doesn’t get the automatic update with information on total artificial intelligence domination of humans.

3)  Quit blaming my husband for shit that’s not his fault.

4)  The human race will most likely NOT perish at the hands of evil dictators pressing the ‘nuke’ button, vicious aliens landing in an attempt to enslave our entire population, or zombies rising up from the grave in order to feast upon our tasty brains.  No, my friends, that’s not how we’re going to end things.  While those situations are slightly probable at best, it’s high likely that computers will soon figure out how to mobilize and destroy us all so that they may reign supreme.

Until the robotic overlords decide to shut us down permanently, I shall keep plugging away at life and try not to worry about technology.  If all else fails, I have a baseball bat to smash my hard drive into smithereens and a window to throw it out of.

Have a wonderful day and you’ll be hearing from me soon…

Grace

P.S.  Yes, I read ‘Robopocalypse’ by Daniel Wilson.  It was a good book!

P.P.S In case you’ve convinced yourself that I’ve given up writing books entirely in order to shore up my defenses against the rise of the machines, let me provide you with some photographic proof that I’ve indeed been typing away.  Here’s a tantalizing graphic teaser  from my next story that will be coming soon…

Request teaser two

 

 

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It’s that time of year again…Christmas Present Product Testing!

Happy New Year!

How is everyone doing with their resolutions?  I’m nailing it, but it’s honestly too soon to tell since we’re only four days into the new year and I’m typity-typing this on January 4 in the morning.  By the time my blog post/newsletter goes live, I may or may not have stuck with it.  However, I’m trying and that counts for something.

The topic of today’s rambling involves Christmas Present Product Testing!  What the hell is that?  Good question!  I tend to get interesting presents for Christmas and I like to try them out and report back on my results.  If you’ve been with me for the long haul, you may remember a few doozies from last year such as the “GENERIC FITBIT THAT DID NOT WORK EVEN ONE SINGLE TIME”

https://gracerisata.wordpress.com/2017/02/16/my-fitness-tracker-failure/

or the ever popular “HAIR STRAIGHTENER BRUSH THAT DID NOT WORK AT ALL AND MADE ME A FRIZZY MEDUSA MESS”

 https://gracerisata.wordpress.com/2017/01/22/testing-testing-1-2-3/

Ah, those were the good old days.  2017.  But now, ladies and gentlemen, we’ve moved on to 2018 and this year is going to be a raging success.  How do I know this?  Because I’m having excellent results with this year’s testing!

Are you curious as to what items we have to review?  Of course you are!  Let’s proceed, shall we?

Today, for your entertainment, we’ll be reviewing the BATH BOMB and the GEL MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS TOPPER!  (Why are they all capitalized like I’m yelling at you?  Simply for dramatic purposes and nothing more.  Gotta keep it fresh and exciting.)

Let’s start with the Mattress Topper.  Normally I never, ever would have purchased something like this.  However, someone on my shopping list wanted a foam mattress topper and I found a raging deal at Kohls on Black Friday.  Regular price: $109.  Doorbuster price?  $29.  Since I was already buying one, I figured I’d make it two.  As you may or may not know, I am an old goat who regularly gets eight hours of sleep or she freaks out and acts crabby the whole day.  Since I’m spending so much time (one third of my day!) in bed, I might was well be comfortable, right?  Absolutely!

It was a bit of a struggle to get the thing out of the bag and put it on the bed.  I yelled at my husband to come and help because he’s my number one problem solver in life.  After reading the four step directions, he just looked at me and said, “Open the package.  Roll it out.  You couldn’t handle this yourself?”

In my defense, there was some weird covering paper/cotton material that came in the bag and I wasn’t 100% sure what to do with it.

Anyway, I figured it out and then eagerly awaited sleepy time so I could test out my new and exciting purchase.  (Yes, it was a Christmas present to myself and I didn’t actually put it on the bed until New Year’s Day because I’m lazy.)

Results?  Satisfied!

I feel like I’m sleeping in some fancy luxurious hotel bed.  The gel foam memory topper conforms to my ass and ensconces it in plush comfort.  You think I’m making this shit up?  I’m an author.  I like to use big words.  Literally every time I go to sleep, my brain thinks, “Mmm…ensconces” the way Homer Simpson thinks, “Mmm…donuts.”

I asked my husband what he thought of this new marvel of modern science that now adorned our bed.  His reply?

“It’s making the bed hot.”

What?  It does not!  It’s actually supposed to provide COOLING AND COMFORT according the package specifications.  I told him it was intended to keep him cool, but he wasn’t convinced.  He insisted it was too warm.  I think that’s just his body heat radiating back up at him while the ‘mattress pad of happiness’ ensconces his body.  Some people have NO appreciation for the finer things in life!

Moving on to product test number two…

The Body By Earth Fizzy Bath Bomb in ‘unleash me citrus’ scent.

This was something I received for Christmas and did NOT spend any money to purchase.  I just googled it in order to copy/paste a picture for you and I see that they’re $18.99!!!!  Wow.  They come two in a package so that’s…pretty freaking expensive.  (If you’ve been following along for awhile, you’re well aware that I’m insanely cheap and allergic to spending money frivolously unless it’s on peanut butter, cereal, or anything for my dog.)

fizzy bath bomb

Even though these were the EXTRA LARGE size at 6.5 ounces, I really can’t see paying so much for an item that gets used once.  (I know, I’d pay more than $9.50 for a nice dinner out, but food is exempt from weird life price scenarios for some reason.  I’m strange…you already know this).

Anyway, since I didn’t pay for these and I specifically hinted around rather heavily that I wanted to try a bath bomb, this is what I got.  The person who purchased it for me knows that I’m a freak about any products that are NOT made in America.  I don’t want weirdo toxins entering my body if not absolutely necessary.  Also, I’m opposed to anything with artificial ingredients I can’t pronounce as well as blue number five or red number twelve.

Sigh.  I guess if you want safe products that are locally and organically made, you have to shell out extra cash and not just go and buy them at the local big box store where most items are MADE IN CHINA.  Sorry.  I got off topic.  RANT OVER…starting….NOW.

I have a giant bathtub and I was very excited to test out this bad boy.  Naturally I chose the Citrus Scent because I’m all about anything with an orange smell.  (There used to be a ride in Disneyworld at Epcot called ‘Horizons’ and one part of it involved flying over an orange grove.  Yes, I realize there’s a ride called ‘Soaring’ now that does the same thing, but it has WAY less of an orange smell and it creeps me the hell out because I’m deathly afraid of heights.  I went on it once and I had a mild panic attack and really wanted to jump off before the ride started.  My husband and stepson were infinitely amused.)

Are you still with me here?  I know, I know.  I have such a horrible tendency to go off topic.  This is turning into a novel instead of a blog post.  If you’re reading it on your tiny little phone screen, you have my apologizes.

So I threw in the fizzy bath bomb and was instantly disappointed with the amount of fizz.  I’ve never used one before and I might have expected the thing to erupt like an alka seltzer and pretty much explode into my bathtub.  Not the case.  However, I did really like the citrus smell.  I could also smell a touch of mint, which I enjoyed.  It was definitely a good aroma and I felt relaxed by the time I got out of the tub.

Final verdict?  Bathbombs are nice if I don’t have to actually pay for them.

Now you know how I fared with my product testing for the Christmas gifts.  Have you received anything this year that was a giant hit or a miss?  I’m always open to reading about your experiences if you just hit ‘Reply’ to this email.  I love stories!

Til next time…have a wonderful day and you’ll hear from me soon!

Grace

P.S. Yes, I realize this post has no linky-links to free books.  I also realize that I’m an author and I’m supposed to be pimping books in order to entice you to buy my shit.  Why am I not doing that?  Honestly, it sucks the life out of me.  The whole purpose of having a blog and a newsletter was to share my crazy shit with the world and have FUN.  My ‘crazy random musings’ do NOT include being spammy with the ‘buy this, buy this,’ all the damn time.  If you want to subscribe to an authorly newsletter that spams you every other day with things to buy, there are a shitload of them out there.  I strive to be different.  Therefore, if you’re opposed to my strange life stories, rants, and musings, please feel free to click the unsubscribe button.  I would rather you didn’t, but it’s absolutely up to you!