I am so excited this week! Want to know why??

Of course you do!  This week I’m trying a new Authorly Experiment.  In order to spice this up and make it interesting for you, we’ll do a Q & A (Question and Answer) Session because I like to interview myself…

Me:  Did you really think it was necessary to put QUESTION and ANSWER in parenthesis?  Don’t you think most people know what that means?

Myself:  Probably they do, but I’m not taking any chances.  I fucking hate it when people use acronyms that the rest of us are just supposed to know.  Show of hands…how many of you know ‘SMH’ is ‘Shaking my head?’  Yeah, I had to google that.  But, ahem, that question is irrelevant to today’s topic.  Can we please move on?

Me:  Sure.  Why are we all here today?  What’s the point of the newsletter/blog post?

Myself:  For the first time EVER, I’m taking advantage of Amazon’s ‘Make your book free for five days’ offer.  If an author’s book is in Amazon Select, they get one five day period every ninety days to offer their book for FREE.  Completely free with no strings attached.

Me:  So, basically, you’re pawning free GARBAGE on unsuspecting readers?  Where’s the value in that?  If it’s free, doesn’t that mean it sucks so bad that normal people won’t lower themselves to buy it so you’re just randomly giving it away?  That reeks of desperation, dude.  Sorry for my bluntness, but I’m not one to hold back.

Myself:  No, not at all.  Don’t you ever go to the grocery store and have a free sample of pizza or sausage or ice cream?  This is pretty much the same principle.  I’m offering up a book for FREE in the hopes that people will download it, fall in love with my wit and charm, decide they absolutely must purchase the rest of my books, and therefore make me a millionaire.  Good plan, huh?

Me:  Yeah, I’m totally sure that will happen.  Anyway…how are you going to get them to buy more books of yours?  What’s the brilliant strategy there, Sherlock?

Myself:  I included the first two chapters of another book at the end of the free book.  They will get sucked in to the first two chapters of the other book and decide they must purchase it.  At least, that’s the hope.

Me:  Okay.  That has a teeny, tiny bit of a chance to work.  I’ll give you that.  So, what book are you giving away for free?

Myself:  Ungranted Wishes.

Me:  Ooh, cool title.  What’s it about?

Myself:  Here’s the blurb:

It would be putting it mildly to say that full-figured Cleo Welch was in a funk. Dead end job? Check. Bank account? Running low. Sex life? Non-existent.

Her luck took a turn for the better when she stumbled upon a magic brass pot at a rummage sale. After getting drunk and rubbing things the right way, Cleo found herself in possession of one extremely attractive genie who was very grateful to be released.

What’s a girl to do when a four thousand year old genie is far more interested in satisfying her every desire, rather than granting any of her wishes? Well…she does the genie. That’s a no-brainer!

WARNING: This full length novel contains quite a few explicit sex scenes (including ones involving candy that explodes, a dirty talking detective, and an ancient ritual performed with raspberries). Every scene is absolutely consensual between all parties involved. All my stories come with a guarantee that you will crack a smile, find a happily-ever-after ending, and never have to deal with an annoying cliffhanger. There’s also no cheating, no billionaires, no bigfoot sightings, and plenty of character backstory.

Me:  Are you sure this isn’t crap?

Myself:  Well, I published it in January of 2017, so I might have forgotten all the nuances of the plot since it’s been a year and a half.  I actually went back and re-read it this weekend to refresh my memory.

Me:  And?  Thumbs up or did it stink?

Myself:  This is embarrassing to admit, but I got teary in a few places!  I also laughed out loud more than once.  I have to say that I genuinely liked this story.  Then I got mad at myself for not putting this in my top faves of stuff I wrote.  (The top spots are currently held by Mowed and My Dirty Detour.)

Me:  You’re rambling again, dude.  So, let’s wrap this up, okay?

Myself:  Okay!  Click on this link and go download my free book!

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01N7SLZER

Me:  Whoa, whoa.  We’re not done yet.  We have a few questions left before you go run off and eat a caramel apple.

Myself:  Ooh, creepy.  How did you know I was going to eat a caramel apple?

Me:  Because I’m you!  Duh.  Anyway…who should download this book?

Myself:  EVERYONE READING THIS FUCKING NEWSLETTER OR BLOG POST SHOULD DOWNLOAD THE BOOK!  Have you never read UNGRANTED WISHES?  Download the book.  Have you read UNGRANTED WISHES through KINDLE UNLIMITED?  Download the book so it will be in your forever library.  Have you received an ARC (Advanced Reader Copy) of UNGRATED WISHES that I sent to your kindle?  Download the book so your review will suddenly become ‘verified.’

Me:  Slow down there, princess.  Ease up on the caps lock, okay?  What do you have to gain by everyone downloading this book?  It’s F-R-E-E, therefore you aren’t gaining anything by it!

Myself:  Yes, I am!  The more people that download the book, the higher it gets ranked in the free store, therefore giving it more exposure to EVERYONE!

Me:  Okay.  Valid point.  Besides your newsletter, what are you doing to spread the word about such a major giveaway on this literary masterpiece?

Myself:  I did about five newsletter swaps, I advertised in about thirteen free newsletters, and I did PAID advertising in three other newsletters.  I’m also going to spam Facebook so hard and fast, that I get thrown into jail.

Me:  Wait, what?  Back it up!  You PAID to advertise a FREE book?  Are you fucking nuts?

Myself:  Evidently.  Please don’t rub it in.  I hate paying for stuff.  It nearly killed me.  That’s why I’m so super excited this week.  I need to see lots of free books roll out the door.  If I only unload like fifty of these things, I’m going to drown my sorrows in something stronger than a caramel apple.

Me:  Vodka?

Myself:  Fuck no.  I was thinking more along the lines of dark chocolate.

Me:  Okay.  So what’s your goal?  If fifty books would make you cry tears of agony, what would make you shit yourself in happiness?

Myself:  Two thousand.

Me:  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Good luck with that.

Myself:  thanks, I need all the luck I can get.

————————————————————-

Yes, in case you hadn’t noticed, I really, REALLY like interviewing myself.

Anyway…please download my book, Ungranted Wishes.  It will be ABSOLUTELY free on Amazon from September 25-29, 2018.  I know that a large amount of my readers are NOT from America, and I’ve honestly never done one of these free promos before, so I can’t guarantee it will be free for those of you in other countries.  So, please, please PLEASE double check that it’s free before you one-click!  If it is not free, then just run away and I won’t have any hard feelings.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01N7SLZER

If any of you kind souls would be interesting in sharing my freebie, please feel free.  You can post it on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, MySpace, Reddit, Goodreads, YouTube, Tumblr, Flickr, Google+, Weibo, Tinder, and anywhere else you see fit.  (Yeah, you KNOW I googled social media platforms to compile that epic list!)

In conclusion…

ungranted-wishes-pro-cover

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01N7SLZER

Yeah.  FREE!!!!!!

But in case you already bought Ungranted Wishes and you’re feeling ripped off by this whole freebie offer in which you can not partake, behold, I have others for you!

As part of the newsletter swap program, I’d like to let you know of these other great reads that are just patiently waiting for you to click on them….

————————————————

Cooper:  A Bad Boy Romance by Tara Brent…Free on Bookfunnel…

Easton Cooper: Billionaire bad boy that has always gotten everything he wants, be it in business or pleasure. Until one day a woman steps into his office—elegant, brilliant, sharp, and two steps ahead of him at every turn—just to deny him both.

Easton is completely caught off guard by the goddess who burst into his life only to dismiss him as a spoiled brat not worth two minutes of her time.

Suddenly overcome with a primal need, Easton has to make a choice: will he continue to be the same playboy he’s always been? Or will he be able to summon the goodness buried deep within him and win the love he so desperately yearns for?

https://dl.bookfunnel.com/381p29gkrq

Wild Desires by Chelsea Greene….Free on Bookfunnel….

Wild Desires: A Contemporary Bad Boy Romance Box Set

Books in this collection:

  1. Secret Heir
  2. Dance with the Seal

Sexy, Spicy Love Story of a Navy SEAL and an Olympic Ballerina

  1. Sizzling Affair

When Michelle and Alex meet through a sort-of-cooking app and sort-of-dating app called CRAVE, their worlds are in for a change. Can this curvy bombshell win the heart of the cynical billionaire?

https://dl.bookfunnel.com/tu8jvm2702

The Deceived by Milissa Story…only 99 Cents on Amazon…

Maggie Gray has hunted enemies of the Federation for years. But, when she uncovers the files of her dead lover Maggie learns her life is not what it seems.   Maggie has been betrayed by her government and her own father in a genetic experiment using her DNA. She must escape the Federation in order to learn the truth. Her truth.  Exciting adventure with action on every page!

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B06Y5W19W6

—————————————————————————-

There you have it, people.

That’s all for today.

If you need me, I’ll be checking my Amazon Sales Reports every five minutes to stalk myself and see how many free books I can give away.

Don’t worry, I promise to give you an update in a week or two and let you know how I fared.  We’ll either be whooping it up to celebrate my success, or shoving candy bars down our throats to commiserate in my failure.  Either way, dark chocolate will be involved.

Talk to you soon….and one last thing….

Free on Amazon, September 25-29….Ungranted Wishes by Grace Risata…

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01N7SLZER

Advertisements

A mind blowing idea…

I was at work the other day and someone said something that utterly and completely blew my mind!  Let me first explain that I live in the Midwest of America and we’ve had a lot of rain lately.  What does rain bring?  If you answered, “MOSQUITOES!” then you are absolutely correct.

This is no average, run of the mill, crop of mosquitoes.  This is an apocalyptic swarm of epic proportions.  You literally get mobbed within two seconds of stepping outside.  My dog likes to eat lunch with me on the concrete patio behind my house every day.  Her routine is as follows:  eat the food, roll in the grass, take a leak, saunter back in my direction, and sit on my lap until I pet her.  This is normally fine, but not when she comes back bringing a swarm of mosquitoes around her face, I scream and run into the house, and she looks at me like I’m insane.

No, I’m not exaggerating…the mosquito infestation is REALLY THAT BAD.  I throw on a hooded sweatshirt to go outside in 80 degree weather in order to avoid being bitten.  Speaking of being bitten so bad I wake up in the middle of the night itching until I rip the skin off my feet, we’re going to circle back around to the mind-blowing thing I heard at work.

I was minding my own business while complaining about the red and itchy bites of doom, when a genius of a lady said, “Isn’t it a shame that they suck blood instead of fat?  How wonderful would that be if it was the other way around?”

My eyes widened in awe as I pondered that new idea.  Imagine if mosquitoes sucked the fat cells from people instead of blood!  We’d have ‘mosquito breeding centers’ where people would pay dearly to get locked into a room with the vampire bugs!  No one would ever kill a mosquito again.  Instead of bug spray, we’d all wear special perfume to attract them.  People would tell their friends, “I got four mosquito bites last night,” and get nods of approval and glares of jealousy.

This radical new concept led me to ponder other ideas of how to improve the current world we live in.

Imagine if…we got paid to sit and watch all those annoying “I’m the better candidate, vote for me!” political commercials?  As soon as the commercial came on television, we would all stare in rapt attention and then be rewarded with coins falling out of the side of the device, just like it was a slot machine and we’d hit three sevens.  Everyone would discuss politics with joy instead of divisive disdain:

“Maggie, did you see the ad from Bob Schultz last night?  It was a full sixty seconds and I got eighteen quarters out of that!”

“No, Sandy, I didn’t see that one.  I must have watching another channel.  I watched the one with Stacy Smith.  It was a disgusting attack ad paid for by an out-of-state super pac, so they were required to pay me more!  Love this new system!”

Honestly, that was the only good example I thought of, even though I wracked my brain for ways to make everyday annoyances more bearable.  I do have one more, but it’s not as clever.  Fair warning…

Wouldn’t it be nice if all scales were banned from displaying numbers and instead had to show positive messages of affirmation?  You’d step on the square confidence-destroyer in the morning after pigging out on leftover pizza the night before, and the scale would display, “Much like age, size is nothing but a number.  Have a great day!”  or “The sun is shining outside, how about you go for a walk and enjoy the beautiful weather today?” or “You’re beautiful just the way you are, so don’t let anyone tell you different!”

What wonderful world it could be if we focused more on the positive!

What about you, dear reader?  Do you have any wonderful ideas on how to change the world?  I’m all ears!  I’m also desperate for mosquito bite cures, so feel free to share.  So far, I’ve gobbed on the Aloe Vera and that seems to work temporarily.  I need a long term solution!

Two more things to let you know before I call it a day, go offline, and scratch the hell out of my mosquito bites…

1) Please be on the lookout for next week’s newsletter/blog post because I’ll be offering one of my full lengths novels for FREE on Amazon.  A lot of authors do free promotions with their books in order to attract new readers, and I’m going to give it a try.  So you’ll definitely want to open next week’s newsletter that should be coming out on September 25.  My freebie promo will run from Sept 25-29.  Hint:  The book involves a genie.  🙂  I’m bad at keeping secrets.

2) There’s no need to wait for next week because you can check out the current promotion featuring some of my books as well as a great selection of other stories….

Here’s the website to the books…

https://bellemaurice.wordpress.com/2018/08/30/hot-firsts/

And another website to play games and win prizes!

https://wp.me/p2Z1h3-L9

NewPartyBanner (1)

Have a great week and don’t forget to keep an eye out for Next Week’s Newsletter!

Til next time…

Grace