Fun in the sack or fade to black? Opinions needed!

As I write this blog post, it’s December 7.  My Christmas tree is not up and I’m only about 72% done with my shopping.  Therefore, it stresses me out to even think about the holidays fast approaching.  So I’m going to tackle a different topic today in order to take my mind off the fact that I’m falling very far behind in life.

Today’s topic?  S-E-X.

How much is too much?

Settle down, people.  I’m not Dr. Phil and I’m not going to examine what you do behind closed doors (or what you do sneakily in public for that matter…I’m not here to judge.).  I’m talking about steamy scenes in the books you read.  Since I’m pretty sure that 99% of you signed up for my newsletter/blog because you’re readers, I think it’s safe to assume that you all have preferences for your taste in books.  (As for the other 1% who subscribe…I don’t know how you found me, but thanks for subscribing!)

The reason the ‘How much nookie should go in books?’ debate is at the forefront of my mind, is because I’m currently 30,000 words into my next book and I have no steam at all.  Not even a kiss on the mouth.  Are you thinking, “What the royal fuck, Grace?  I need your porn!” ???   I sure hope not!

No, I’ve not gone soft on you, it’s just that my current characters have a bit of a “I’m getting on your nerves, but I secretly think you’re hot” vibe to them and it’s more of a slow burn, build-up kind of thing.  This story is going to be LONG, so I still have plenty of time to consummate the relationship…but I don’t think the sex is the prime focus of the book.

This leads me to my question of the day, dear reader:

How much sex do you want in your books?

Personally, I’m very nit-picky about the amount of lovin’ that goes into the stories I read.   Twilight?  Loved the story, but I wanted DETAILS of Edward and Bella’s honeymoon.  I didn’t appreciate the fade to black.  On the other side of the coin, I’ve read books where entire chapters were devoted to the 7th or 8th time the main couple had wild animal sex and I honestly skimmed them because I didn’t care how flexible she was or how many times he got off in one night.  I like REALISTIC sex in my books and I think this is hard to come by.

I guess, basically, I like to read about the sex when the couple gets together for the first time and then maybe once or twice more.   Otherwise, I skim the hell out of books with too much sex.

But enough about me.  What do YOU think?  What do you find most important in the books you read?  What makes a good book for you?

Just hit “Comment” on this blog post or “Reply” to this newsletter and let me know how you feel.  What makes you weak at the knees and tearing up with emotion?  What has you throwing your kindle across the room while you swear a blue streak?

I hate love triangles, cheating, super rich billionaire heroes that aren’t realistic, weak heroines that can’t survive one minute without a man to tell them what to do, stories that don’t have an ounce of humor in them, and plots that make no sense and totally ‘jump the shark.’

Okay.

Now that my oversharing of opinions is complete, let’s get to the part of the newsletter where I post some books, shall we?

These are all books that are part of my newsletter swap program.  You know the drill:  these authors were kind enough to put me in their newsletters and now I’m returning the favor.  The first story is FREE and the rest are only 99 cents on Amazon!

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1) Antonia and Sabrina Struck in Love by Chiquita Dennie…FREE on Instafreebie

 Description

When VP Executive Sabrina Washington goes out one night with her girlfriends to get over a breakup, she stumbles upon Antonio De Luca a man who is headstrong, dangerous, intimidating, and sexy. The cautious and by the book Sabrina is shocked by her sudden feelings that this man brings out of her despite his alpha behavior. She is constantly fighting to get away, and he’s fighting to keep her close. Unable to resist Sabrina’s sassy, sexy, and independent spirit, Antonio finally gets her to submit to him and stop running.
Scared and thrilled by Antonio’s erotic tastes, Sabrina learns more about what pleases her and him in the bedroom. Keeping his life as a club owner in the forefront and dealings as a mobster behind the scenes and away from Sabrina. Antonio is a man torn between his family’s lifestyle and the need to live his own life as a business owner. When the couple embarks on a passionate love affair, Sabrina will find all of Antonio’s good and bad sides, while discovering her own.

https://www.bookboast.com/link/5444/62664

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2) A Very Beary Christmas by Abbie Zanders….99 Cent Pre-order on Amazon

Blurb
For most people, Christmas is a time to celebrate with family and friends, but not for Chloe Lewis. She plans to spend it as she does every other day— alone, escaping the harsh realities of the world through her art. Painting mountainous landscapes reminds her of the one brief time in her life when she didn’t feel so alone. The hallmark grizzly bear she incorporates into each and every painting has the same golden-brown eyes as the only friend she’d ever known.

Sam Brown was only eight years old when Chloe moved to the small mountain town he and his family called home, but his bear knew right away that she was the one for him. In a cruel twist of fate, Chloe was taken away, but he’s never forgotten her – or what she is to him.

When Sam’s cousin comes home for the holidays and shows him a painting he’d seen of a very familiar looking bear and signed simply “Chloe”, it might just be the break he’s been hoping for. A winter storm is coming but nothing is going to stop Sam from finding her and bringing her home.

After all, Christmas is the time for miracles…

https://www.bookboast.com/link/5462/61539

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3) The Misadventures of a Dating Delia by H.C. Bentley….99 Cent Pre-Release on Amazon

Description

Day trader Delia Sinclaire was on a mission: Find Mr. Right. And find him fast.

If she doesn’t, it means she’ll have consider marrying Morty when they reach a certain age…and that age is fast approaching. They’d made a pact in college, and it didn’t matter now that his unemployed butt spent his days playing video games in his mother’s basement. So Delia, with the help of her best friend, sets off to tackle the world of dating, Desperate, she tries every kind of dating she can think of. Blind dates, speed dates, You name it, she’ll try it. Only each date ends up being hysterically worst than the last. Will a single’s cruise be her saving grace, or will she end up being Mrs. Mortimer P. Floyd?

https://www.bookboast.com/link/5545/62791

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4) Marriage of Convenience by Amy Faye………99 Cents on Amazon

Description

“I just want you,” she said. “However you want. There’ll be plenty of time later.”
Her tongue swirled around him, drawing away his entire concentration. By the time he regained control of himself he was trying to force himself deeper into her throat. He pulled his hand away and she pulled herself off and looked up at him with a raised eyebrow.

“You like that?”

He wanted to be a politician, and that meant getting married. It didn’t matter to him who he married. As long as she was presentable.

Well, I’d hardly call my messed up life presentable.

I just needed a way to keep my twins fed and warm, and away from their scumbag father.

He made me an offer I literally couldn’t refuse. It helped that I wanted to be touched, stroked, pleasured by him in every way possible.

A marriage agreement. We get married, we both benefit. It was smart. It was clean. And it was all going great, until our feelings started making the situation messy. Really messy.

https://www.bookboast.com/link/5555/63021

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5) A Flare of Power: Book Two by Elodie Colt        99 Cent Pre-Order on Amazon

Description

How would you feel if you could wield nature’s greatest power?

Ever since Haylie found out she was a Natural—the rarest human species in existence—she was determined to find out about the ability she should have.
The problem—she had no clue how to find it.
What made things worse was that Dylan, the man who’d dared her to come anywhere near him, was now her trainer and eager to push her to her limits. When he made her jump over that wall, it resurrected something inside her she deathly feared. She knew she needed to find out about her ability soon and get it under control before someone got killed.

Dylan was still avoiding Haylie as best as he could, but when they came up with a plan on how to find more information about her ability, he jumped at the chance to go with her. In the end, no one could have guessed what kind of ultimate power lay dormant inside of her. He was grateful they still had enough time left before her Awakening.
Little did he know that time was quickly running out..

https://www.bookboast.com/link/5452/61460

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That’s all I have for you today.  I look forward to hearing about your book likes and dislikes!  Have a great weekend and I promise to have my act together by the next blog post/newsletter….decorations will be up and presents will be purchased and wrapped!

Happy Holidays!

Grace

happy holidays

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Shopping makes me crazy… and I’m not the only one!

Hello everyone!  Have you started your Christmas shopping yet?  I have, and it’s not going very well at all.  This blog post is going to cover the topic of why it’s so stressful to go out into the world and buy crap for everyone you’ve ever met in your life.

Okay, that was a bit dramatic.  To be honest, I have a small family and we don’t exchange presents with everyone.  So I only really have to buy gifts for my mom, my husband, my stepson, my dog, and a few co-workers.  I have it easy compared to most people who have giant extended families with huge lists of people requiring presents.  You’d think that would take some stress out of the season, but it really doesn’t.

Why not?

Because the people on my list are absolutely crazy.

Would you like some examples?  Of course you would.  I’m happy to oblige.

Let’s start with my mom.  Here’s the actual conversation we had.

ME:  Mom, what do you want for Christmas?

My Mom:  I don’t need anything.  Just get me some slippers and those mesh bags that go on the washer hose so all the gunk in the washing machine doesn’t clog up the drain in my basement sink.

ME:  Mom, those mesh bags cost a dollar.  What ELSE do you want?

My Mom:  Nothing.  What do YOU want?

ME:  I don’t know.  I need eyeliner.  Make sure it’s Made in America and not tested on animals and it’s black and it rolls up.  I don’t know how to sharpen the eyeliner pencils.

My Mom:  I have a ton of eyeliner in my drawer.  Just take some home.

She goes to her makeup drawer and brings out five eyeliners.

ME:  Mom!  Two of these are made in China, one is brown, one is blue, and the only black one is a pencil that needs to be sharpened.

My Mom:  Quit being so damn picky.

Fast forward to two days later.

ME:  So did you find me any eyeliner?

My Mom:  YES!  Why did you make me tell you that?  You’ve completely ruined the surprise!

So evidently my mom is getting mesh washer hose bags and I’m getting eyeliner.

Who else makes me crazy?  My husband.  He tells me that he doesn’t want anything and then he goes online and orders a crazy amount of stuff for himself.

ME:  Why did you tell me you don’t want anything and then go online and order five pairs of Levis jeans?

Him:  Because they make them in all different countries and they come in different sizes.  Some 36 lengths are really 35 ¼ and some are 36 ½.  I need to try on several pairs to make sure they fit right.  I’ll return the duds that I don’t like.

He’s 6 feet 6 inches tall and has a hard time finding tall clothes that fit him.  So he thinks he’ll have better luck when he special orders items from the kiosk at Kohls.

How do you think that turns out?

POORLY!

Last weekend we went to a few stores to do some Black Friday Weekend Shopping.  After we left Kohls, he got really quiet in the car as we drove to our next destination.

Finally he blurts out this gem…

“If I ever get arrested, it’s because I lost my patience at Kohl’s, stomped on the kiosk, and smashed the fucker into tiny pieces.”

Naturally my reaction was, “WHAT did you just say?” as I took a mental note to file that away into the ‘PUT THIS IN A FUTURE BLOG POST’ folder.

Evidently all the rage he’s built up over the years is going to come pouring out into a massive episode of violence against the Kohls Order Kiosk.

“Every time I try to type something in, it tells me the store doesn’t exist.  If I try the zip code, I get an error.  If I try the city, I get an error.  I hate that fucking thing!”

Hey, we all have pet peeves, right?

Speaking of pets…that was an EXCELLENT transition into our next topic by the way…how many of you buy Christmas presents for your pets?

I have a very spoiled four year old Labrador Retriever named Stella.  I consider her to be a well behaved dog in general.  Yeah, she acts like she’s on LSD every time I try to take her for a walk, but other than that I have no real complaints.  She never touches anything that’s not hers, never tries to counter surf and steal food, and doesn’t shit in any of my shoes.

All her manners go right out the window on Christmas morning.  When she was a puppy, I gave her a wrapped up Christmas present and she literally cried as if to say, “Oh my goodness.  Is that really for me?  You shouldn’t have!”  Fast forward to four years later when she acts like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka (“Don’t care how…I want it NOW!”).  We all sit around the Christmas tree and Stella runs from one person to the next as they open presents, bound and determined to rip everything from our hands and grab it for herself.  I’ve tried to explain to her that she doesn’t need a bra, a calendar of sunsets, or those mesh bags that go on your washing machines hose, but the dog doesn’t listen.  When it’s her turn for a present that really does belong to her, she rips it open and then casts it aside as though she doesn’t need another bone, squeaky ball, or stuffed animal.

“Is this all you’ve got?  It’s shit.  I want MORE.”

My stepson looks at me in disgust and says, “I hope you’re happy.  You made her this way.”

Perhaps I’m a bad influence.

Why?

I have another story.

Once upon a time about four years ago, it was my turn to unwrap a present.  Let me first tell you that we’re all known for wrapping gifts in dummy boxes.  I wrap earrings for my mom in granola bar boxes, she wraps gift cards for my stepson in popcorn boxes, and so on.  The reason for this is that we never have any decent boxes laying around, and also because my stepson has a bad habit of shaking things before he opens them and we like to mess with his head.

So…I peeled off the wrapping paper and found a box for car stereo speakers.  Let me tell you that nothing was wrong with the speakers in my car stereo, I did not need speakers, and I most certainly did not want speakers.

“I hope something else is in here,” I whined loudly, “because I don’t WANT car stereo speakers.”

Lo and behold, the box contained car stereo speakers because my husband didn’t like the way that music sounded when he drove my car.  We still laugh about it to this day and my stepson admonishes me for being rude and not appreciative.

Hey, I’m not the only one who gets short tempered around the holidays.  As I walked around Wal Mart last weekend, I saw a father pushing his two kids in a shopping cart.  The little girl pointed to a bag of decorative pinecones and the father had a wonderful reply to his darling princess.  What did he tell her?  Good question, thanks for asking.

“I’m NOT paying money for something you can get in the yard for FREE.”

Good common sense goes a long way in the world!

If any of you have amusing/frustrating/bat-shit crazy shopping stories, please feel free to share.  I always love to hear people’s stories!!!

Have a wonderful weekend and here are some freebies if you need to fill your kindle… (Every single one of these is FREE on Instafreebie)

https://www.instafreebie.com/gg/thvrOcXy25sgV4IN0yOT

25 days giveaway instafreebie

Enjoy!

Til next time…

Grace

It’s Black Friday…let’s go stand in line!

It’s Black Friday…wahoo!!

Okay… technically as I type this it’s still Thanksgiving, but it feels like Black Friday because I just came back from shopping.  I have to work my day job on Friday, so I had to get all my crazy shopping in on Thursday.  Thankfully the stores that I wanted to hit were all open early today and I shopped til I dropped.

I didn’t literally drop, but my feet feel like they’re going to fall off.  Good thing I got 4 pairs of shoes on sale!  Honestly, I don’t have any clue what size shoe I wear.  The pair I wore to go shopping was a size 7.5.  I tried on an 8 that was too small and ended up getting an 8.5.  I think I spent about five minutes trying on shoes and it really screwed me over timewise.  By the end of my shopping list, the store line was a mile long and I actually contemplating abandoning it all and running away.  Alas, I could not do this since I got like 8 bras on mega-sale and I was not about to dump them.  Do I need new bras?  Probably, but that’s not why I got them.  The world has brand new bra technology that I was previously unaware of.  They’re all lacy with criss-cross backs, the underwire seems to have fallen from grace (check out this new bra with NO UNDERWIRE!  What?  But I LIKE the underwire!), and they have fancy names offering a multitude of support options.  I need to go to bra school to understand all this shit now.  I need my bra to hold up my boobs, don’t give me a backache, and let’s move on with our lives, okay?

But I digress.

This blog post is supposed to be offering you a shit-ton of amazing book deals to fill your kindle.

Why do you need a shit-ton of amazing book deals to fill your kindle?

Good question.

The answer is… because your feet hurt from standing in line and racing around trying to score bargains, your brain is confused about all the new bra options, and you’d like nothing more than to chill on the couch with your kindle and tune out the world.

I can help with that!

Without further ado… book stuff…

(1) HOT CONTEMPORARY ROMANCE

hot contemp romance instafreebie

This promotion is on Instafreebie, so you know that all these books are absolutely FREE.  Here’s the link:

https://www.instafreebie.com/gg/S7NRGvlYpXA5LhvHjOPs

Not one, not two, not three, but FOURTY-SEVEN books for you to one-click.  There are a TON of sexy abs to hypnotize you into happiness.

(2)  Black Friday Heat

This promotion is a MIXTURE of free and cheap books, so PLEASE check the price before one-clicking!

https://www.bookboast.com/giveaway/6ba810545e

There are no less than FOURTY-FOUR choices for you and, as usual, lots of sexy covers with lickable dudes dudes on them.

(3)  Newsletter Swaps

These three authors were kind enough to feature me in their newsletters, so I’m returning the favor.

First up we have Scarlett Underground by Chelsea Whitlock.  It’s FREE and the blurb sounds pretty good.  Yeah, I one clicked it!

Description

Scarlett Banks didn’t anticipate her father’s sudden loss of wealth when his risky investments made him have to break her trust fund. She absolutely refuses to lose her spot at Maynard Sutter University and the prestigious Delta Omega Zeta sorority, or her boyfriend Jeremy Matthews in Lambda Nu, so admitting she’s suddenly broke is not an option. After a horrible attempt as a waitress, surviving an offer to be a stripper, and a painful attempt at selling make-up at a department store, she discovers that she can secretly be a Domme for a dungeon in downtown– and to her surprise, she’s actually good at it! But she didn’t expect to be taken in by the mysterious bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks, Finn, one of her dungeon’s most popular Doms. Keeping her two identities secret becomes more and more trouble, as do keeping Jeremy and Finn from crossing paths!

https://www.bookboast.com/claim/77a555e23f

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Next up, we have Ace’s Gamble by Natasha Spencer.  I think it’s on sale for 99 Cents…you’ll have to check to make sure.

Description

She’s taking a chance and he’s risking it all.

Christie: I’ve got one shot at my new journalism job, and I need to find a great story. When Ace walks into my life, a sexy, muscular and dangerous underground fighter, he might just be the lead that I’m looking for. But if I chase the story, I might lose him. Is it worth the chance?

Ace: I’ve been fighting all my life. It’s the only thing I know how to do. Then I meet Christie, innocent, gorgeous and sexy as hell. Somehow, agreeing to throw a fight now seems…. dirty. So, I have a choice to make: do I keep fighting and lose her, or do I change my life to keep her?

https://www.bookboast.com/link/5206/61538

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Lastly, we have Leather and Gold by Gemma Snow for $2.99

Emmeline Westington Wright, widowed duchess of South Framley, sent Captain Alexandre Pierron Simonnet to the Americas eighteen months ago, presumably in search of her errant brother, the Marquis of Fulton. But when Captain Simonnet returns to South Framley and the duchess’s Roseburn estate, she must admit to herself that the errand was nothing more than a way to keep the devilishly handsome and tempting captain far enough away where she will not succumb to her desires. They are the kind of desires she has only ever indulged with her late husband, William, hidden away in a darkened room, below the prim and proper halls of Roseburn.

Her lust for Captain Simonnet has not diminished in the past months, instead growing stronger and more potent until she invites him to meet her in the rose garden at midnight. There, she shows the captain all of her secrets, that hidden room, her own desire to cede control, to be taken care of–by him. As she had hoped, Alexandre is familiar with her lifestyle and sets down the rules, before laying her over his lap and giving her all that she most desperately craves–or almost all.

Because despite herself and her raging need, Emmeline knows that her want goes deeper than a salacious affair. She has known Captain Simonnet, William’s best friend, some ten years now, craved him for three. Tonight, in the light of their pleasures and vulnerabilities and moments of profound trust, she might just admit to herself that she wants more than a single night or a week or a month–she might just want a life together.

https://www.bookboast.com/link/5263/61648

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There you have it folks, loads of books to fill your kindle.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and you don’t stress out too much over the holidays.

Til next time…

Grace

 

A Recipe for Success…and some freebies!

No, I’m not talking about a proverbial recipe for success like ‘early to bed, early to rise, blah, blah, blah.’  I’m talking about a REAL recipe with measurements and ingredients!

I don’t really understand why people have secret family recipes that get passed down from generation to generation and aren’t shared with the general public.  Unless you’re KFC with a special blend of herbs and spices and you actually SELL the food commercially, just share your gourmet knowledge so that we can all benefit from it.

In that spirit of sharing, I’m going to post my Turkey Stuffing Recipe.  Is this an old family secret that has been protected for centuries?  I doubt it.  See, I grew up helping my mom and dad make the turkey stuffing for as long as I can remember.  I have no clue where we got the recipe, but I do know that I’m extremely loyal to it and I instantly deem any other stuffing as ‘crap’ because it’s not MINE.

After my dad died when I was nineteen, the role of turkey maker fell to me because my mom doesn’t like sticking her hand into the bird and pulling out all the guts.  She was kind enough to write down the stuffing recipe and I’m going to type it out for you now.  Please be warned that she assumes I’m a complete idiot in most situations and likes to spell things out in DETAIL for me.  (I’m not complaining about this…she’s correct in her assumption.  There was an incident ONE time with some aluminum pots in the microwave, smoke pouring from the kitchen, my stepson laughing his ass off, and a couple smoke alarms going off.  No big deal, right?)

Without further ado…behold….

MY DAD’S TURKEY STUFFING RECIPE

This recipe is for a 16-18 pound bird.  If you have a smaller turkey and can’t fit it all in, the stuffing will STILL TASTE THE SAME if you put it in a casserole dish and bake it in the oven instead of the bird.  I was a purist who freaked out at the thought of STUFFING THAT WAS NOT STUFFED IN THE BIRD.  But a few years ago I figured out that it tastes exactly the same, so I’m on board with that now.

Ingredients:

Turkey (duh)

Water

Salt

One Chicken Bouillon Cube (if you have one that’s been sitting in your pantry for a while and it’s a year or two past the expiration date, no worries!  It will still work)

One Stalk of Celery

Two large onions

One stick of butter

Sage, Poultry Seasoning, Garlic Powder, Season Salt

6-8 slices of bread

Brownberry Sage and Onion Stuffing Mix (Do NOT get any other brand)

One Egg

One Cup of Milk

Instructions:

–Take giblets out of turkey and clean it out good with salt.  Pull out all the stringy stuff (these are my mom’s REAL ACTUAL directions, I’m not making this shit up)

–Put 3 ½ cups of water with one chicken bouillon cube and giblets in pot.  Boil on stove.  (when she says, ‘in a pot,’ she means like a saucepan that you’d make mashed potatoes in, not a giant pot)

–In a frying pan (a LARGE one) cut up (tiny) one stalk of celery and two large onions.  Add one stick of butter.  Add sage, poultry seasoning, garlic powder, and season salt.  When it gets soft, it’s done (20 minutes).  (On a side note, yes, I giggled as I typed ‘when it gets soft, it’s done’ because I’m a perverted 12 year old boy living inside the body of a 41 year old woman.)  (As for the quantity of the spices to add…we don’t measure, we just pour.  So…um…hmm.  Use like a decent quantity of sage, poultry seasoning, and season salt.  Probably less garlic powder)

–Cube about 6-8 slices of bread in a big pot (think like a pot you’d cook spaghetti in).  Add bag of stuffing mix.  Add one egg beaten with one cup of milk.  Then add the celery and onion mixture.  Throw out the giblets but add about all the water (one cup at a time) to mixture.  Squish it all together and stuff turkey.

(This isn’t written down, but we always keep the butts of the bread to use and then pin them inside the turkey so the stuffing doesn’t fall out.  This also isn’t written down, but we always bend the wings so they’re sitting under the turkey.  Not sure why)

–Cook 15-20 pound stuffed bird at 350 degrees in a preheated oven for five hours covered and then one hour uncovered.  (The meat is usually falling off the bone and it tends to be on the side of overcooked, so you might want to use less time if you have a smaller bird.  If you’ve read “My Dirty Detour,” then you already know we’re HIGHLY OPPOSED to any food that might have a remote chance of being RAW.  Violet likes her burgers well done.  LOL)

There you have it.  Turkey Stuffing the only way I’ll eat it.

What else?  Ah yes.  I promised you free stuff too, didn’t I?  I’m in a promotion by a new company (Geektastic books) and they have a fine selection of FREE books for you to check out.  Here’s the link:

http://geektasticbooks.com/instafreebie

 geektastic promo

 

There are definitely some covers with sexy abs on there, not gonna lie.  They may have caught have my eye!

Also, in case you didn’t already know, my newest Christmas story goes LIVE on November 17.  Here’s the link for that too:

https://www.amazon.com/Christmas-Present-My-Past-Holiday-ebook/dp/B0776XGNKT

Christmas Present short story cover final version

Also, I may or may not have a one-click addiction and I just saw this and it was FREE on Amazon, so I clicked it:

https://www.amazon.com/Train-Wreck-Life-Sucks-Book-ebook/dp/B071FG3NDF/

It looked pretty funny from the first three sentences of the ‘look inside’ feature.

That’s all we have for today.  Hopefully something exciting will happen next week as I try to navigate the Black Friday Sales.  That’s usually good for a story or two!  Stay tuned….

Grace

Tis the season…

 

As you may or may not be aware, Thanksgiving is EXACTLY two weeks from today.  I have no idea how that’s even possible because it seems like Halloween happened about five minute ago.  I’m still trying to suck down leftover Milky Ways and now I’m supposed to get in the mood to eat turkey and stuffing?  Can we get a little more time in between the holidays?

But I digress.

This blog post is not about the rapid succession of holidays in the last sixty-two days of the year (Halloween, Thanksgiving, Veterans Day, Daylight Savings Time, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas Day, Christmas Eve, New Years Eve, and probably more that I forgot), but rather an effort to get you in the mood for those holidays.

What comes to mind when you think of the holiday season?  Turkey and stuffing (some people call it ‘dressing’ and not ‘stuffing,’ which makes me go all militant on their asses.  ‘Dressing’ is what you put on a salad.  I’m sorry, but I’m very passionate about this.), Christmas shopping (I run around like a nutcase trying to find cool things to buy for people, but the real fun comes when I get to wrap presents.  I’m not one of those people who spends half an hour wrapping each gift and making sure the folds are immaculate and the perfect matching bow adorns the box.  I bend and scrunch and haphazardly tape so it looks like a blind octopus wrapped it up.  That’s how I roll.), and church (because there would be no Christmas without Jesus and I like to go to church and sing Christmas Carols.  My favorite is ‘Joy to the World.’)

What else am I forgetting?  Oh.  Hallmark Christmas movies.  Let’s not forget Christmas books.  Ahem.  Those are pretty important too.

Why are they so damn important?  Because I just wrote my first Christmas story and I’d like to take this opportunity to do some utterly shameless self promotion.

I know, I know.  You open my newsletter because you want to be entertained, not badgered into buying books.  And I totally respect that, which is why the spammy buy-my-book-pretty-please posts are few and far between.  At least I try to make them few and far between.

Without further ado…let me throw some Grace Risata Christmas book stuff at you.

I made this pretty banner last night on Canva.   Canva is a very easy to use graphic design website that a blind octopus could probably figure out.  I like pretending I’m a graphic designer.  It makes me feel accomplished.

christmas book banner

Here is the cover for my new Christmas story.  Also made entirely on Canva.  Did I mention Canva was FREE to use?  No, they’re not paying me to endorse them, I just really like the site because it doesn’t frustrate the heck out of me (unlike trying to format books where it took me ONE AND A HALF HOURS to figure out how to make paragraph indents because I’m special and don’t catch on to things very easily.)

Christmas Present short story cover final version

Did I grab your attention with my fancy pants book cover?  I sure hope so.  Do you want to know what the story is about?

Behold…..the blurb……

Prepared to be alone for the biggest holiday of the year, Rachel’s life takes a dramatic turn when she bumps into her old high school crush while volunteering at a charity meal on Christmas Eve.

Once Shawn recognizes the sweet, shy girl from his sophomore year Chemistry class, he realizes she’s all grown up…but the chemistry between them is still hotter than ever.

Is the past a faded memory in the rear view mirror…or can these two lonely souls come together for one remarkable holiday hook-up?  Perhaps Rachel’s greatest Christmas present will come from her past…

Author’s Note:  This is a 15,500 word Christmas story that has a guaranteed happy ending, a steamy encounter between the main characters, and a heaping spoonful of holiday cheer. 

I guess basically it’s not your standard ‘boy meets girl’ story in the fact that my characters are in their forties and both have some history to overcome.  Also, they already know each other which makes things a bit more interesting.

If the book sounds like something that might interest you, it’s available for Pre-Order on Amazon for the low, low price of only 99 cents.  It’s the first time I ever did a pre-order because I like to try new things.  My story goes live on Amazon on November 17, so you don’t have to wait too long.

https://www.amazon.com/Christmas-Present-My-Past-Holiday-ebook/dp/B0776XGNKT

Fun fact…the story was originally called ‘The Holiday Hookup’ but I felt the need to change it because there are several books on Amazon that already have that title and I freak out if that happens.  I know, I know…there’s only so many titles available  in the world, but I feel the need to stand out from the crowd!

That’s pretty much all I have for today.  If you’d like to reply to this newsletter/blog post to either jump in to the stuffing/dressing debate or share a holiday memory, please feel free.  I love getting emails from all of you.  It makes me feel like I have an audience and I’m not just wildly throwing words into the universe never to be seen again.  I like to know they land somewhere!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!!!!!!

Grace

Not quite a pick-up line…

Hello everyone!  I know it’s been over TWO weeks since my last newsletter/blog post.  While it’s true that I’ve been procrastinating in that department, I haven’t been a total slacker.  I started writing a new book and I’ve been feverishly typity-type-typing away while the idea is fresh in my head.

Since nothing new and exciting is going on right now, I’ll have to pull from the archives of the life of Grace to give you an entertaining story.  Don’t worry though, I have plenty to pick from.  Today we’ll be discussing the topic of LOVE.  (Please insert hearts, flowers, and swoony faces here…I’m bad with emoticons so you’ll have to do it yourself).

Now, you may wonder what kind of amazing and adventurous life of passion that a romance writer leads.  I know that I envision Danielle Steel sitting at a computer in some glamorous high rise penthouse in New York City staring out her picture window at the starry skyline.  She’s wearing flowing silken robes, her hair is done to perfection, and she’s led a wildly thrilling life from which to draw inspiration for her stories.  Yes, I know I’m crazy and that’s probably a bizarre scenario that I just made up in my head.  Since I don’t really know anything about her life, I can’t say if it’s true or not.  However…I definitely know it’s not true in my case.

Let’s take a walk down memory lane of Grace’s love life.  It’s depressing and full of potholes, so don’t get your hopes up.  If it was a movie, it would compare more along the lines of “Night of the Living Dead” instead of “Pretty Woman.”  Yes, I just compared zombies to hookers.  Moving right along…

Today we will cover some of the wonderful lines that 100% REAL MEN have used when speaking to me.  If you think these are going to be pick-up lines…oh boy…are you in for a letdown!

1)  “I don’t want to go out with you because I’m thinking of becoming a priest.” (said by some douche I liked in 10th grade.  Not sure if he became a priest or not.)

2)  “I’m gay.” (said by some guy I liked in 12th grade.  In his defense, he really was gay, so I couldn’t blame him for that.  It’s not my fault I had the wrong equipment.)

3)  “There’s really no chemistry in my opinion.  Kissing you would be the same as kissing a sponge.” (said by some jackass that has no class.  How the hell does he know what it’s like to kiss a sponge?  Is he sitting around all day making out with them?  Maybe he should try women who kiss back and aren’t all moldy and rotten from doing the dishes too many times without being rinsed out.  Yes, I’m still bitter about this one even though it was literally twenty-two years ago.)

4)  “You’re going to be a great catch…for someone else one day.”  (said by some dickface that I really, really liked.  It doesn’t matter because he had a couple girls going at the same time and I’m pretty sure he didn’t understand the word ‘Monogamy.’  Sigh.  He was a good kisser though…at least we got to that part because he didn’t know that some people kiss sponges instead of women.  Thank goodness for that!)

I’m sure there are more, but I blocked them out in order to avoid further trauma to my self-esteem.  Please don’t feel sorry for me in the slightest.  After a string of loser-dorks, I met my husband and lived happily ever after (so far…so good!).  I could actually devote a whole blog post on the lines my husband has used over the years.  If you’ve read any of my books, chances are you’re familiar with them.  Would you like an example?

In ‘My Dirty Detour,’ Rocky tells Violet one of my favorite lines EVER:

“I would never do anything to jeopardize my time on Earth with you.”

So romantic!  There’s no way in Hell I could come up with something so swoon-worthy.  This is a real line that my husband actually told me.  Perhaps I should put it in the context in which it was used so you could gain some perspective on the situation?

We had gone out to a bar with a couple of friends and I asked him if I could drive home since I wasn’t keeping track of how much he drank.  He then smiled, looked directly into my eyes, and blurted the ‘jeopardize my time on Earth’ line.  In case you’re wondering how I reacted…I broke out laughing and demanded that he give me the keys to the car.  I knew he was feeling no pain because the man does NOT talk like that in everyday, ordinary life.  But it made a hell of a good book dialogue line a few years later.

See…art imitates life.

There’s your story for the day and now we can all carry on with our lives.  Since I’m busy working on my newest project and have no books to promote, perhaps you’d like to know about some other books that are available?

Cocky Rockstar by Faleena Hopkins…currently FREE (but please double check before one-clicking!)

https://www.amazon.com/Cocky-Rockstar-Gabriel-Cocker-Brothers-ebook/dp/B072C1SWG4

Noah by Liz Gavin is a new release priced at only 99 Cents…

https://www.amazon.com/Noah-Knights-Edge-Book-2-ebook/dp/B074D657H1

Noah Cartwright owns a successful bistro in a southern Brazilian beach as he struggles to put together his rock band. He was burnt by betrayal years ago, but hasn’t given up on finding Miss Right.
Ana Oliveira hides dark secrets from her past as she attends tables and studies to get her teaching credentials. She knows Mr. Right is a fantasy. She stopped believing in fairy tales a long time ago.
They’ve got little in common, except for a sizzling hot chemistry, which could jeopardize their future plans. Yet they gravitate towards each other and the resulting collision changes both forever.

Knight’s Edge is a series of standalone romances without cliffhangers and with guaranteed Happily Ever Afters. If you love hot rockers and their sassy ladies, you must read this series.

One-click this book today to get Noah’s story and learn how the Knight’s Edge began and made it to the top.

A Lifetime without you by Stephanie Nicole Norris…pre-order for $3.99

https://www.amazon.com/Lifetime-You-Falling-Rose-Book-ebook/dp/B0767DV5S3

It was the season that brought families together, for trick or treating, and Thanksgiving dinners. But for Octavia Davenport, this season symbolized an era in her life when she lost everything. For years, Octavia was alone living a moderately single life, but then she met the owner of Rose Security Group, and suddenly things began to change. A blossoming friendship evolved and with it came an unrestrained indulgence to connect with him on every level. Desire had never stirred her until him, and Octavia didn’t want to deny herself what she so hungrily craved.

As the head honcho of the Midwest’s preeminent security firm, Jonathon Alexander Rose is known for his commanding persona. Although his reputation precedes him, Jonathon would rather live his days absent from the limelight, with his sexy audacious best friend, Octavia. His fiery passion for her has been Jonathon’s secret until he can no longer stand to be on the sidelines. When he decides to go after what he wants, nothing will stand in his way.

Call of the Wild by Simone Leigh….FREE!

https://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Call-Wild-Book-One-ebook/dp/B01N201HTE

Anna is a writer, making her living on the move and living her life as free as a bird. She seems to have complete freedom and a perfect life. But is everything as it appears?

Neanderthal Seeks Human by Penny Reid…FREE (but please double check before one-clicking!

https://www.amazon.com/Neanderthal-Seeks-Human-Knitting-City-ebook/dp/B00BUWA58E

That’s all for today, everyone.  Have a Happy Halloween and stay safe!

Til next time…

Grace

 

I was almost rich…for about five minutes!

Hello everyone!  I hope you’re all having a nice transition from summer into the cooler days of fall.  I’m not a big fan of looking outside at 6:30 and seeing dark skies already, but there’s not much I can do about that.  However, I have no issue with sucking down caramel apples like they’re going out of style!

Today’s topic is the exciting story of how I was almost rich for about five minutes.  As you may or may not be aware, my husband and I like to go to estate sales (bigger and better than rummage sales…usually it’s a whole house of treasures for sale) and we hunt for cheap items that might be worth big money.

Don’t scoff at me!  While it’s true I’ve never uncovered any gold bars hidden under the bed, I have made some decent discoveries.  I found a vintage jumper for $1 that I sold for $50 on Ebay.  We’ve sold vintage belt buckles, wolf statues, books, shoes, and much, much more.

Let’s back up to the part where I said I sold books.  No, I’m not talking about antique first edition tales from the 1800s.  I have NO idea what any of that is worth.  But I’v e sold popular series by authors whose names you would know.  (Stephen King, James Patterson, etc).  Unfortunately, my husband assumes I know a lot about the author world since I started writing romantic comedies in 2016.  I hate to let him down, so I might pretend to know more than I do.   Such is the case with the awesomely fantastic book I found last weekend.

It’s my husband’s job to find the estate sales in the newspaper and on Craigslist…and it’s my duty to carry my phone and search the Ebay app for all the crap he finds in the houses that he deems ‘priceless.’  Most of it normally comes up in a search as being sold for $2.83 so I make him pass and PUT THE ITEM BACK.  We usually separate to scour the house in a kind of ‘divide and conquer’ method.  This is what led me to a box of books in a room that appeared to be an office.  A few ‘Harry Potter’ books immediately caught my eye.  Yes, I’ve read the series, watched bits and pieces from some of the movies, and gone on the rides at Universal Studios.  Yes, I’ve had a butterbeer (regular AND frozen.  I got brain freeze.  But I digress.).  I was not interested in the Potter books for myself, though.  My stepson (he’s 24) is a diehard Potter freak.  He’s read every book a zillion times and owns every movie on DVD.  He’s a teacher who lends the books to his students, and he told me to snap them up if I can get a bargain because sometimes his books vanish and don’t return.  No problem!  I’m all about helping kids get books, right?  Absolutely!

So I grabbed two Potter paperbacks (Books 3 and 4, which is totally irrelevant but I’m telling you anyway) and then I saw something that took my breath away.

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone.

Do you know what that is?  I did.

When J.K. Rowling released her first Harry Potter book in the UK, it was called ‘Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone.’  The name was changed to ‘Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone’ when it came to America.  I immediately knew three things:  this book is rare, it could be worth $$$, and my stepson will kill me if I do not purchase this.

001

I grabbed that book and held it tightly to my chest like it was lost treasure from the City of Atlantis.  I sandwiched it between the other two Potter books and clung to them like I was drowning at sea and they were my life preserver.

I ran to find my husband and said, “We have to go NOW!”

For some reason, I was paranoid that the people running the sale would discover my treasure, rip it out of my hand, and say, “No way, honey!  That’s not for sale!”

We managed to pay and I calmly walked to the car and immediately called my stepson.  This is our unedited conversation:

Me:  You are not going to believe this!

Him:  Hmm?  I’m asleep.  (It was nine in the morning on a Saturday)

Me:  Wake the hell up!  You are not going to BELIEVE THIS!

Him:  Hmm?  What’s the matter?

Me:  You know how you told me to always get Harry Potter books?  I’m at an estate sale and guess what I just got?

Him:  A Harry Potter book?

Me:  Yes…I found a book…maybe you’ve heard of it?  Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone?

Him:  Holy Shit!  BUY IT!  I DON’T CARE WHAT IT COSTS!  JUST BUY IT!

Me:  I already did.  I’m in the car with it.  It was fifty cents.

Him:  Holy Shit!  WHAT DOES IT SAY ON THE INSIDE?

Me:  Bloomsbury press, UK, 1997, Joanne Rowling.

Him:  HOLY SHIT!  What if it’s a first edition?  Those sell for dollar amounts in the FIVE FIGURES!

Me:  Okay…I’ll take a pic and text you the inside copyright page.

We freaked out back and forth on the phone for a good ten minutes before his research yielded some results.  Yes, the book goes for five figures if it’s a limited first edition hard cover from a certain date.  If it’s a paperback with a typo on page 58, they go for the low three figure dollar amounts.  He was still convinced it was worth about a hundred bucks since it was an early printing.

I got home and really checked Ebay.  There was an earlier printing selling for approximately $7.84, not including shipping.

So…yeah.  Not getting rich that way.  But it was sure as hell exciting for about ten minutes.

In case you were wondering…yes, I had to give the book to my stepson, no, he’s NOT selling it, and yes, we’re very easily excited in my family.

There you have it folks, another day in the life of Grace Risata.

If you’re looking for something ELSE to read (besides my story of heartbreak involving riches cruelly taken from me), you might be interested in my newest release, Teaching the Dom…currently priced at only 99 cents on Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Teaching-Dom-Grace-Risata-ebook/dp/B075HK2N96

If you’re looking for something FREE to read, you might want to check out my short story, My Dirty Bet, on Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/My-Dirty-Bet-Alpha-Comedy-ebook/dp/B01DFMO1MM

If you’re looking for something batshit crazy to pre-order, you might want to check out my friend’s new release that goes live on Friday:  The Cock in Me by Julian Napier.  It’s hilarious and highly recommended.  I’m not saying that because he’s a nice guy, I’m telling you it’s definitely worth a read.  I laughed my ass off.

https://www.amazon.com/COCK-Chicken-Shifter-Romance-ebook/dp/B075S14TSY

If you’re looking for something FREE and NOT batshit crazy, you might want to check out this story:

https://www.amazon.com/Unexpected-Home-Cedarville-Novel-ebook/dp/B01IZXI0YQ

That’s all I have for today!  Have a great weekend everyone!

Until next time….

Grace

‘What if?’ questions…

Hello, everyone!  Today I have nothing going on in my life, so I will answer a question that is often asked of authors:  “Where do you come up with story ideas?”

That is a very good question, so I’ll tell you where my inspiration comes from.  Please be advised that no one has ever actually asked me any author questions (probably because no one has ever heard of me since I’m not very well-known at all).  However, that doesn’t stop me from pretending that I’m famous, so just indulge me this one time.

Ahem.  I think we can turn this into a whole interview-type conversation.

RING RING

Person on the other end of the phone:  Hello, Ms. Risata!  I’d like to ask you a few questions if you don’t mind.  How ARE you today?

Grace Risata:  I’m fine, thank you for asking, but I need to let you know that I’m a very busy author.  Could we please hurry this along?  I have several more stops on my publicity tour and you’re wasting my valuable time.

Phone Person:  Really?

Grace:  No, of course not.  My Labrador retriever is nudging me with her nose and sticking her new green squeaky ball in my lap, and she’s going to have an epic tantrum if I don’t take her outside pretty soon.  She can be rather needy at times.  She also likes to drop the ball UNDER my car so I have to get on my hands and knees and dig it out.  See…I’m more of a ‘dog personal assistant’ than I am an author.  I just go where the money’s at.

Phone Person:  Okay…I wasn’t aware there was money in being the personal assistant of a dog…?

Grace:  I was kidding.  Can we get back to your original question?  I believe you asked where I get the inspiration for my stories?

Phone Person:  I don’t remember asking that, but whatever.  I was actually calling to ask about your satisfaction with the direction the country is currently heading and to find out—

Grace:  I’m sure that’s an awesome question, too, but not the one I care to answer today.  Let me tell you how I get the inspiration for my books.  We’ll talk about ‘Ungranted Wishes,’  ‘Nights in the Fast Lane,’ and ‘Mowed.’

Phone Person:  Those are some very creative titles, however I’m being paid by the survey company to get your opinions on—

Grace:  I have a lot of opinions!  I also have a lot of story ideas.  Let’s start with ‘Mowed.’  This book is a humorous erotica tale.  I was out mowing the lawn and I happened to glance at the house across the street.  I wondered to myself…’what if someone is watching me?’ and that’s how the story came to life.  I added some characters, some sex, and some humor…bam…stir them all together and you have a good idea.

Phone Person:  Wait, what?  You turned the act of cutting the grass into porn?

Grace:  Yes, ma’am.  Aren’t you supposed to be asking me my opinions on—

Phone Person:  That can wait.  Tell me more about these stories you write.  What else have you got besides lawn mower porn?

Grace:  I have ‘Ungranted Wishes.’  That’s a humorous erotic tale with a genie who grants wishes.  I got pretty creative with the naughty scenes.  That also started out with a ‘what if?’ question.  See…I was having a bad day at work and hating the customers and I thought to myself, ‘what if I had my own personal genie and I could call all the shots?’ and then the story came to life.  I added some characters, some sex, and some humor…bam…stir them all together and you have a good idea.

Phone person:  Sounds cool.  Genies could be hot.  What kind of porn scenes did you have in there?  I’m not asking for any particular reason.  It’s not like my boyfriend couldn’t find my g-spot if he had a map and a giant X MARKS THE SPOT printed on it or anything.

Grace:  There was a good sex scene with pop rocks candy.  I like to write food sex scenes.  One of my favorites was a scene involving Doritos.

Phone Person:  Shut the hell up!  You used Doritos in a SEX scene?  What book is that?

Grace:  That’s in ‘Nights in the Fast Lane’ which, coincidentally, also started out with a ‘what if?’ question.  I was outside playing in the snow with my dog and I got a story idea.  What if a girl met a hot unattainable dude and they somehow got stuck in her house for a snowstorm?  Could she charm him?  What would happen?  The story came to life after I added some characters, some humor, some sexy scenes…and BAM…stir them all together and I had a good idea.

Phone Person:  Wow.  Your story ideas sound really original and unique.  I hate to be rude but I have to end this call now.  Thank you for your time!

Grace:  Don’t you have to ask me about my opinion on the state of our country?

Phone Person:  Nah, maybe some other time.  I think right now I have to go buy some books…some books with ‘what if’ questions and food sex scenes!

——————————————————————————–

Well, that was fun.  I like to interview myself, in case that fact isn’t totally obvious.

Okay….now we’re on to the FREE part of the newsletter.  I have not one but TWO promos for you lucky readers!

Promo #1:

Fall For Romance FREE book Event!

fall for romance

Looking for your next hot read? We’ve got a dozen sizzling romances to warm you up this fall. And the best part is…They’re all FREE! Click the link to download your free romances directly from Amazon 🙂  That’s right….NO NEWSLETTERS TO SIGN UP FOR…just directly FREE on Amazon!!!  Please note:  these are only free for TWO DAYS:  Sept 28-29!

http://thedirtysuburbs.com/fall-for-romance-free-book-event/

Please make sure that the books are FREE when you click them!  Amazon can be difficult about making them free sometimes!  I also think Liz Meldon’s book is only free on Sept 29.  (I absolutely snagged SCRUMptious because it looked good!)

Promo #2:

High Heat Romance Giveaway

high heat promo

Do you love super steamy romance and erotica?  If so, check out these hot stories that include dominant heroes, billionaires, bad boys, werewolves, and more!  These are all FREE on Instafreebie!

https://www.instafreebie.com/gg/z0CwASXkN1atxTzOkDQJ

I got ‘Ten inch Tom: The day after‘ and ‘Curvy Persuasion.’

 

There you have it folks….load up your kindle with those freebies and have a great day!  Til next time….

 

Grace

Happy News…and free stuff!

Hello, everyone!  I’m very happy to report that I had no dramatic incident of klutziness for the entire week, and therefore have no tales of woe to share.   Believe me, no one is more relieved about that statement than I am.  My dog possible got stung by a wasp, but she managed to recover after getting a giant dog cookie and a hug.  (She came running up to me like her butt was on fire and I saw the wasp clinging to her leg and immediately flicked it off and squished it, so I can’t be 100% sure that she was stung.  Obviously she ran to the door to the house to go inside because she’s a giant 58 pound wimp.  That’s my baby!)

Since I have nothing exciting to discuss this week, I’d like to take the opportunity to help you load up your kindle for the price of ABSOLUTELY FREE!  What am I talking about?  I’m part of a promotion on Instafreebie called Love Me Naked, Read Me Naked and there are 87 free books to download.  And with a name like ‘Love Me Naked, Read Me Naked,’ you can virtually guarantee these stories are H-O-T.

love me naked image

https://www.instafreebie.com/gg/cGYlvsXCTkBndoiSEXF7

Since I’m a reader as well as a writer, of course I had to check out the stories to see what was offered.  There appears to be billionaires, virgins, shifters, and lots of men with sexy abs on the covers.  I see some ménage stories, something with a marine, and a few paranormal tales also.  Some of these are samples, but I think some of them are entire stories.    If you see one cover with a moon and a unicorn, you’ll probably wonder, “What the fuck is that?”   Yes, that one is mine!  The cover totally stands out as not belonging with all the hot as fuck dudes and gorgeous ladies, but I tend to roll a little bit differently than your average writer.

I’ve only read ONE of these stories (Diner Delight by April Fire – it was well worth my time!), but I’ve actually downloaded more because they intrigue me.  If you click on the book cover, it will tell you what the story is about before you download it.  I got ‘Sophie and the Cowboy,’ ‘Six Floors to the Top,’ ‘Dark Matter,’ and ‘The Dare.’

So please feel free to download to your heart’s content and get to reading.  If you snatch up something AMAZING and it’s one that wasn’t on my list, let me know what I’m missing!

The promotion runs from September 21 to October 3rd, so get them while they’re HOT.  Also please share the link with any of your friends that would enjoy a steamy free read!

And….if you have better luck than I do and want to enter for a chance to win a Kindle Fire…check out this site:

https://www.rafflecopter.com/rafl/display/6a79a0125/

Book Doggy is a new website with free and cheap books AND they give away pretty decent prizes every month.  Why not enter?  Someone has to win, right?  Might as well be you!

That’s all I have for today, people.  Have a great weekend and be careful!

Grace

I am a klutzy magnet for disaster…

Have I got a story for you!  This is honestly so embarrassing that I should probably save it for a future book, but I’m very impatient so I’ll share it instead.  Please be warned that this is a LONG story (because I’m long winded) so you might want to grab some popcorn and make yourself comfortable.  Also, this is all 100% absolutely TRUE.  I could not make this shit up if I tried.  Basically, I did something insanely idiotic and gave myself a concussion.

Once upon a time (last Sunday, September 10) it was a lovely day so I decided to take my dog for a walk to my mom’s house a few blocks away.  My mom has a fenced-in yard so my dog can play ball and run until she tires herself out.  My husband was away at a scuba diving training class, my mom was gone on a trip to the casino, and it was just me and my Labrador Retriever having some bonding time.

So…even though I’m forty-one years old, I’m still a kid at heart and like to amuse myself.  When it was time to leave my mom’s house, I had the genius fucking idea (pardon my language) that I would press the garage door button and run…jumping over the sensor and making a wild escape like I was Indiana Jones.  (Remember in the Indiana Jones movie where Harrison Ford has to sneak under the stone wall as it comes down and then he grabs his hat right before the wall slams down?  Yeah…that was my intention)

Let me also explain that my mom’s garage has no exit door (so it’s not like I can shut the garage door and then leave through a side door), but let me also explain that her garage DOES have a keypad outside the garage door (so any sane, rational person in their right mind would just go outside the garage, press the keypad, and go on about their merry life.)

Instead of behaving with a lick of common sense, I pressed the garage door button, ran, and jumped over the invisible sensor.  Any guesses as to how that turned out for me?

NOT WELL.  NOT WELL AT ALL!

I jumped like a fucking ballerina, hit my head on the garage door as it was coming down, and one thought entered my head…

“I’m not going to make it.”

The next thing I know, I’m laying on the concrete garage floor having NO CLUE as to how I got there.  Most importantly, I have NO control over my hands and my arms are tingling.  This scared the living SHIT out of me.

“Oh my God, I’m dying.  Please, God, don’t let me die like this…it’s so embarrassing!  I should have KNOWN better.”

I flailed my arms for a few panicked seconds until I could move them.  I somehow knew I needed to move my arms so I could check on my head.  That’s right…a three inch long goose-egg bump was forming on the back of my head where I landed on the garage floor.  I also noticed some scrapes and a tiny little gash on both of my elbows where they hit the garage floor.

I slowly sat up, felt queasy, and realized that I probably had a concussion.  A totally avoidable concussion that should never have happened in the first place if I had behaved like a sane, rational human-being instead of pretending I was Indiana Fucking Jones and the Garage Door of Doom.

So I had NO cell phone (I don’t carry it with me…another stupid move) and even if I had it, there was NO ONE TO CALL.  My husband was at the bottom of a pool taking scuba diving lessons and my mom was at the casino hours away.  This left me to stumble over to the nearest house:  my mom’s 95 year old neighbor.  Do you think I’m making this shit up?  I assure you, my friends, I am not.  The lady is 95 years old and sharp as a tack.  I rang her door bell and begged her to take me to the hospital.  She took one look at me and told me to get into her car.

This was no easy feat.  I got up off her patio chair and attempted to make it to her car.  My vision went BLACK and I would have passed out had I not managed to lean against her car and slowly slide my way down to a sitting position on the floor.

By some miracle, we made it to the emergency room and the poor 95 year old lady had to get a wheelchair and wheel my sorry ass into the hospital.  My shame level was about a 42 on a scale of 1 to 10 at this point.

So we waited in the ER for it to be my turn.  I’m panicking that my husband doesn’t know where I am, so I begged my mom’s neighbor to call him.  Obviously there was no one home, so she started to leave a message on the answering machine.

“I just wanted you to know that your wife is in the emergency room with a probable concussion because she hit her head…”

If I received that message on my answering machine, I would freak the fuck out.  So I screamed in the background, “I’M NOT DEAD!” just to put his mind at ease.  (Yes, I listened to the message when I got home and my voice could clearly be heard shouting, “I’M NOT DEAD!”)  Even in a state of shock from my concussion, I was thinking of others.  Such a nice lady I am!

Yada, yada, yada…I had to wait a full THIRTY MINUTES before anyone even looked at my head, which really pissed me off.  Someone finally got a hold of my husband and he raced to the hospital, arriving in his swimsuit just moments before they led me off to have a CATSCAN.  CT SCAN?  Not sure what it’s called.

I was very excited to have the brain scan.  No, not for the reason you might think.  While it would be a giant relief to know that I had no swelling or bleeding of the brain and no skull fracture, I was more interested in what the results of the scan would show, since I’ve never had one.  What if I had twice the amount of brains as normal people?  What if I only had half as much?  What if I was a super genius with a miracle brain that had NEVER been seen before?  What if I was an ALIEN or had some latent superpower?

You can imagine my relief when the nurse returned to tell me that my brain scan was fine and I could leave.  Yes, it’s nice to know that I only had a mild concussion and had to take it easy for a while, but it was extremely disappointing to learn that I had no advanced alien brain or anything out of the ordinary.  Yes, I like to read too many books and watch too many movies and think that I’m superhuman.  I’m going to pretend that my supernatural powers knew they would be discovered on the brain scan and thus decided to cloak themselves, lest I become a lab rat as scientists did multiple tests on me to discover the cause of my awesomely weird brain.

alien brain

Yes, I am batshit crazy.  Why the hell else would I have jumped the garage door like a moron?  Moving right along…

I was sent home with instructions to go easy on my brain so it could heal.  This means no tv, no socializing, nothing athletic, no reading, NO COMPUTER.  WHAT?  What the hell am I supposed to do then?  Go fondle myself in a dark corner?  No thank you!

I did watch tv and talk on the phone to tell my friends the story of “I’m a fucking idiot” and then answer a million questions such as…

“Why didn’t you just use the keypad on the other side of the door?”

“Did you learn your lesson not to do that EVER again?”

…and my personal favorite….this question came from my husband…

“Did you NOT know that your mom’s garage door doesn’t even HAVE a sensor on the bottom?”

NO, SIR, I WAS UNAWARE OF THAT VERY IMPORTANT FACT!!!!!!!!

So I’ve spent the last week catching up on DVR shows, forcing myself not to lash out at co-workers who keep asking me why I’m wearing gym shoes to work (I work in an office setting and I took off on Monday, but worked the rest of the week), and doing a lot of sleeping.

In case you’re asking yourself, “Why is this weird author lady telling me her sob stories instead of asking me to buy her books?”  please let me answer that question.

I get a shit ton of emails every day from authors and a lot of their newsletters are always, “Hi!  Buy my book!” and that annoys the living piss out of me.  I want my newsletters to hit your inbox and have you think, “Wow…what’s Grace up to now?” because usually it’s something crazy.  Hey, gotta keep life interesting, right?

Now, here’s the part where YOU come in, dear reader of my blog and/or newsletter.   I feel like a complete jackass for my totally avoidable concussion.  So I’d like to ask for a favor.  In order to help me feel better, I’d love to hear YOUR tales of woe.  Do you have any embarrassing stories?  Did you do something completely stupid lately that you absolutely regret?  What’s that old saying….Misery Loves Company.

So if you could find it in your heart and either hit “reply” to this email or “comment” on this blog post with a story for me….I would feel a lot better.

Thank you very much for reading and BE CAREFUL….it’s a dangerous world out there!

Sincerely…INDIANA JONES   Grace Risata