As you may or may not be aware, it’s my birthday next week. I absolutely go nuts on this momentous occasion and pretty much expect everyone to kiss my ass all day long. Yes, I’m fully aware that I’m obnoxious, but I can’t help it. I’m a spoiled brat with no siblings who’s been coddled ever since she exited the womb.
But I digress.
The topic of this email is NOT about how much of an asshole I am. It’s about birthday surprises and my lack of keeping them a surprise, through no fault of my own. Would you like an example?
I sure hope you said, “Yes,” because that’s the whole story for this blog post.
My mom, stepson, and husband all give me gifts for this most important of annual holidays, and they all asked me the million dollar question…”What present do you want?” Well, my stepson didn’t ask, he just informed me that I was getting a cheesecake because that’s what he had a taste for. I’m perfectly fine with that. Who doesn’t like cheesecake? No one, that’s who.
That leaves my mom and long-suffering husband. I have a hard time coming up with gift ideas for myself, because I’m extremely low maintenance in real life. I don’t wear jewelry except for a wedding ring (because I get rashes and I’ve never been a fan of it in the first place), I’m not a fashionista who demands expensive clothes (I have a giant smelly muddy dog who thinks nothing of drooling and jumping on her mama and I wouldn’t have it any other way, but she ruins clothes. I also prefer the variety of thrift stores instead of buying brand new), and I’m not a fan of flowers (they cost so much money and just die in a week or two anyway).
In other words, I probably don’t like things that ‘normal women’ would appreciate. I also don’t wear make-up, prefer to go through the drive-thru instead of an elegant restaurant, and hate gift cards because I feel like I have to spend them right away for some odd reason.
So…that brings us back to the question of ‘What do I want?”
I told my mom to get me cotton balls that were made in America (I try my best to buy “made in the USA’ products instead of ‘made in China’ when at all possible) and some non-acetone nail polish remover. Wow, exciting. But I like to paint my nails in the summer and I ran out of nail polish remover. I also mentioned that I wanted one of those plastic lemons full of lemon juice that you find in the grocery store. I decided I was going to be high society and add lemon to my water. I instructed her NOT to buy me one, because I was going to have my husband get this for me.
Yes, my three birthday items were: nail polish remover, cotton balls, and lemon juice. As I said earlier, I’m a cheap date!
You would have thought this would have been easy, right? Nope. Not if you’re me.
So my mom called complaining that she could NOT find nail polish remover that was non-acetone even though I’ve seen it at Wal-Mart. However, she DID find the cotton balls AND they were made in America, but she felt like two dollars was kind of expensive. My mom also bought the plastic lemon even though it was NOT on her list and it was made from Lemons that were not from America.
What the fuck?
She also insisted on giving me the plastic lemon early for some odd reason. I read the ingredients and saw that it had ‘lemon essential oil’ and then googled it and convinced myself I was probably going to get kidney failure or liver failure from over-lemoning. It took a LOT of lemon drops to make the water taste like anything, and even then it just tasted sour.
But…just wait…we’re still NOT at the good part yet.
My husband told me that he bought me something online and I was ordered to stay out of our shared email account lest I ruin his surprise. I waited a few days and asked him if it was safe for me to check the mailbox, or if I needed to wait until his surprise arrived. I love surprises and did not want to see a package in a certain shape and be able to discern the contents. He happily informed me the package already arrived and refused to answer my questions of “How many packages are there? Are they all related to each other? Is there more than one?” Later that same night, we had to run some errands and he politely asked me to refrain from purchasing anything at all in the next week for myself, on the off chance it was something he bought for my birthday.
I naturally assumed he meant anything that might possibly fall under the category of “A Gift One Sane Person Might Give Another Sane Person.” Such typical examples would be anything like a box of chocolate, bath bombs, bubble bath, or other fun items that one would purchase to spoil oneself.
I assumed incorrectly.
Let me first preface this by saying we’d been having a difficult few weeks with discontinued products. The bread that we always buy was no longer in the store, and neither was the deodorant that we use. Yes, we both use the same brand of deodorant because I sweat like a dude. NO, we do not share the same stick of deodorant. That would be gross and my husband would die. He doesn’t even let me drink out of his soda because he’s weird about sharing stuff. That’s not important to the story, so we’ll move right along.
So we ended up going to the grocery store for Pepsi and laundry detergent, the hardware store for bug spray (The Japanese beetles are eating our flowers), and the dollar store for birthday cards. I made the mistake of checking for my deodorant at the dollar store, and I actually found it! Sort of. They had my brand but a different scent. I excitedly grabbed two sticks and showed my husband.
He hesitated and said, “What if you don’t like that scent? Don’t buy a lot of them.”
Okay, whatever. I bought two.
Once we got home, I went to put them away and casually remarked, “I’m trying this new scent tomorrow and if I like it, I’m going back and buying more!”
We’re total hoarders when it comes to stocking up on sale items or stuff we use.
He got pissed and snapped, “What did I tell you about NOT buying stuff the week before your birthday?!?”
This leads me to believe that my birthday surprise is deodorant.
So now I have to act excited when I open a box full of deodorant next week. While I can’t fault him for buying something I actually want/need, it’s kind of a letdown that my birthday gift is probably a box full of 15 deodorant sticks.
Welcome to my world!!!
How about you, dear reader? Have you had any memorable birthdays that included crazy gifts or fun adventures? You know I’m a sucker for a good story and I love when you share with me!
Speaking of sharing….here are some book suggestions that are the part of the Newsletter Swap Program where other authors feature my books and in return I put theirs in my newsletter.
Today we have….
Thrust by Sybil Bartel. This is absolutely free on Amazon and it is NOT part of the Newsletter Swap. I got this a few weeks ago because it caught my eye (hello…male escort! Yes, please!) and I absolutely fell in love with it. It’s a total five stars, read and reviewed by me, Grace approved story. So I’d strongly encourage you to give it a read and see if you enjoyed it as much as I did. Also…it’s free, so why not?
Only with Trust by Bree Kramer Free on Amazon
Getting a promotion at her job is the best thing that could have happened to Michelle. Not only does she deserve it but it also takes her out from being directly under her current boss, Bryce. Although being under him could have its merits. She’s had this insane lust for him for months and she can’t figure it out. He’s so hot but he’s giant pain in her backside. He’s been nothing but rude and emotionless with her the whole time she has worked for him. She pushes it to the back of her mind until one day, she finds out the he also has the hots for her. She wants to trust him but past relationships have taught her that men lie to get what they want.
Bryce had held his desire for Michelle in check for the whole year since he had hired her. Then one day, he just happened to overhear that she might not hate him as much as he thought. Deciding that it’s time to get back in the game after a family tragedy that kept him from getting close to anyone, he makes his feelings known.
Can the two of them navigate a relationship when neither one is ready to trust?
Ryker by Jeri Glenn 99 Cents on Amazon
A nurse on the run. A biker with a dark past. An unlikely match that will change their worlds forever.
Ryker Cole’s friend is dying, and his world is crumbling around him.
When shy and nervous nurse, Charlotte, walks into that hospital room, he is captivated by her sharp wit and kind smile. Their conversations soothe him, her presence keeping him steady, but Ryker knows she’s not for him. Women like Charlotte don’t belong in the world of the Kings of Korruption MC. It’s not safe.
Except, Charlotte’s already in danger. Her past has caught up with her, and this time, she may not survive.
All Jacked Up by Mysti Parker 99 Cents on Amazon
A fake marriage. A real baby. One huge mess.
Avery Price needs quick cash to save her bridal shop. When she discovers a way to win $50,000, she jumps at the chance. The only catch is, she has to get married or at least stage a convincing wedding. Her best bet is Beach Pointe’s most eligible bachelor. But he hates everything to do with marriage. Veterinarian Dr. Jack Maddox is a magnet for every gold-digger in town, but Avery is the only one who’s ever walked out on the chance to share his bed. When he finds her in his kitchen in only an apron, he’s shocked that she’s changed her mind, but there’s a catch (of course). Though he’d rather poke his eye out with a fork than even pretend to get married, he can handle a little acting for this fun-sized wildcat. But, starting a family was never part of the deal…
3rd book in a standalone romantic comedy series
Rhodes to Crazy by Carly Wakefield FREE on Amazon
Crazy family romance
Love at 320 Sycamore by Fiorella Grant FREE on Amazon
Clean romantic stand alone.
Fisher of Men by Phoebe Alexander Free on Amazon
Erotic Swinger story!
There you have it, folks. Have a good week and I’m sure you’ll hear from me soon!