Okay, what am I raving about now? Let me explain. I was bored the other day and messing around with the settings in my newsletter. I can see the inactive subscribers that haven’t opened an email from me in six months, a year, or have never opened one since the dawn of time (or since I started sending a newsletter two years ago).
This got me thinking…
What makes someone open a newsletter?
Hell if I know.
What would make ME open a newsletter if I was a reader?
I AM a reader! What do I want in a newsletter?
Hmm. I would want to get an email two or three times a month, I would want interesting content about the author, and I would want some free stuff.
Some authors send newsletters several times a week, which is way too much. Some authors send newsletters that only ask you to buy their books, which is kind of monotonous.
So I’m going to aspire to send out a newsletter that I would want to read. Therefore, we’re going to do three things…
1) I will try to send a newsletter at least twice a month so you remember who I am but don’t feel like I’m bothering you too much.
2) I will try to include a random funny story about what’s going on in my life to keep you entertained.
3) I’ll try to include at least one freebie with every newsletter.
Does that sound good?
Please, feel free to REPLY to this email and let me know your opinion. What do you want more of and what do you want less of? Do you like giveaways? Funny memes? A quote of the day? Speak up and let your voice be heard!
Anyway, now we’re at the part of the newsletter where I include an entertaining story. Will it entertain you? I’m not sure, but I find it amusing.
Once upon a time I had a taste for cake last month. I had a box of marble cake mix in my pantry, but no tub of frosting. Let me explain that I don’t usually make anything homemade from scratch. Okay, that’s a lie. I make homemade zucchini bread once every four years. Why? Simple truth: I’m lazy.
So I wanted cake but had no frosting. I vaguely remember something about making homemade frosting from powdered sugar. I googled “powdered sugar frosting recipe” and found one that required milk, butter, and vanilla extract. I always have butter and milk, no problem, but I was pleasantly surprised to find I also had vanilla extract. Woot Woot. However, I was out of powdered sugar.
In reality, I probably had powdered sugar in my pantry ten years ago and threw it out when it expired. I have no idea what possessed me to think I might have powdered sugar.
No worries. I vowed to get a tub of frosting next time I went to the grocery store. But there’s one little glitch in my plan. For the last few years, I’ve been making an effort to actually READ THE INGREDIENTS on the labels of food I buy. The amount of artificial flavors, weirdo chemicals, and preservatives in the crap I eat really freaks me out. So I made the mistake of reading the label on the tub of frosting.
Contains 2% or less of: distilled monoglycerides, color (yellows 5 and 6 and other color added), polysorbate 60, sodium stearoyl lactylate, sodium acid pyrophosphate, natural and artificial flavor.
What the hell? Am I eating this shit or being embalmed with it?
No thank you, I’m not interested. So I put the tub of artificial toxins back on the shelf and bought some good old confectioner’s sugar after a four minute debate of whether ‘powdered sugar’ and ‘confectioner’s sugar’ were indeed the same thing. Yes, they are. I over-think things. It’s my superpower in life.
Moving right along…I then went home and googled the exact measurements of the ingredients in the homemade frosting. Each one was different, so I just went with:
3 ¾ cups of powdered sugar, 4 tablespoons of milk, ½ a stick of butter, and 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract.
I microwaved the butter, dumped the ingredients into a bowl, and started stirring. Imagine my shock and awe when it turned into delicious frosting that was HEALTHY and tasted a zillion times better than the store bought crap. Why in the hell had I been missing this my entire life?
I promptly called my mother and yelled at her.
“Mom, did you know you can make HOME MADE frosting from scratch that tastes amazing and it’s not toxic like the store shit? Why did you not teach me how to make this?”
“It’s easier and faster to just buy it. It all tastes the same anyway. Bring me a piece of cake!”
My mom does not bake from scratch, which is why I don’t bake from scratch. I was never taught these important things. My mother in law, however, made everything home made. She’s in Heaven right now, but I have no doubt she’s looking down on me and laughing her ass off.
“Why do you think my cakes tasted so good, honey? If you hadn’t been so lazy and set in your ways, I would have showed you how to cook!”
She was the sweetest lady and made the best desserts. In reality, she’s probably shrugging her shoulders and thinking I’m better late than never! I’ve found that there are two types of people in life. The hardworking ones who strive for perfection and worry, “Is this good enough? I hope it is,” even when they’ve slaved and labored over a true masterpiece such as a magnificent five course meal. The other type of person mixes four ingredients in a bowl, marvels over her homemade frosting, and acts like she just invented the wheel.
Yes, I am of the latter group of humans.
Unfortunately, I’ve won one battle with the frosting but I still have so much to learn. Do you have any idea what ingredients are in a boxed cake mix? Don’t even get me started….
Thus we come to the end of today’s email.
Your ‘homework’ is to let me know what you want in a newsletter, give me some easy recipes if you have a favorite so I can expand my repertoire and make more than just frosting, and feel free to check out all these great books that are FREE…
I’m part of a Steamy Romance and Erotica Book Giveaway that features over 178 FREE stories to heat you up on a cold winter’s day. There’s truly something for everyone, so what are you waiting for? check it out!
That’s all for today. Til next time!