I need a MUCH stronger Deodorant…

I know, you’re staring at the subject line of this blog post and wondering what the heck I’m talking about.  Of course there’s a story behind it.  You know I’m all about the back story!  Are you ready?  Let’s dive in…

As you may or may not be aware, I’m extremely cheap and hesitant to actually spend any money promoting my books.  I’ll sign up for ANY promotional opportunity as long as it has the cost of $FREE.  That’s what led me to jump in blindly to a new opportunity.  What am I talking about?  Something called a “Live Write.”

I was talking to someone on Facebook and she said the magic phrase ‘free opportunity to get your name out there.’  I instantly said, “SIGN ME UP!” without doing a lick of research.  This is my typical method of operation in life.  So, as per usual, I might be in over my head a little bit.

A ‘Live Write’ is where two authors come together in real time and write a story.  In this case, the ‘Live Write’ is on Friday July 21 in the form of a Facebook Event.  There are six writers broken up into pairs, and each pair of writers gets one hour to do their story.  I’m still not 100 percent sure how it works, but I think the two authors take turns each writing three or four sentences and then it’s the next person’s turn and then back to the first person’s turn.  The moderator chooses a picture and the two authors have to construct a story based on that picture.  The scary part is that you have to be fast on your feet, the story has to make sense, and you can’t second guess where the plot is leading because it’s all LIVE in real time.  There’s no do-over and no advanced preparation.  You see the picture and then you’re off and running with no time to strategize.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I can be spontaneous and improvise a story.  That’s not the issue.  The thing that’s causing me to sweat through my deodorant in five seconds flat…is the fact that most authors don’t write the way that I do.  I researched one of these events AFTER I signed up for it (yeah, I should have done that the other way around) and I was in for a bit of a rude awakening.

They write stuff that sounds all flowery and descriptive like…

“The majestic sun cast down her light, beaming bright rays of warmth onto the harsh, scorched pavement.   Every desperately thirsty plant within a two mile radius ached for even the barest drop of rainwater to coat their withering leaves.  This environment was detrimental to the well-being of the inhabitants on the planet, causing deplorable living conditions for millions of unfortunate citizens.”

(Yeah, I just made all that crap up off the top of my head, but it took forever because I can’t think of descriptive words.)

While I write stuff that sounds like…

(EXCERPT from MY DIRTY VACATION…)

            Dmitry kept pacing and I started to sweat a bit more than usual.  After watching me wipe my hands on my jeans for the third time, he called me over and asked me take a little walk with him to burn off nervous energy. 

            “Violet, you and I are both in the same boat.  I can’t handle the flight without a tiny bit of help,” he confessed.  He reached into his pocket and took out a little Ziploc bag full of pills.  “I’m taking six of these fuckers to get to the point where I can get on the plane without losing my shit.  Do you want one or two of them?”

            “What are they?” I think that’s a valid question to ask before taking a mysterious pill from a bag in someone’s pocket.

            “Do you trust me?  At all?”

            “Of course I do.”  That was true.  I would put my life in Rocky’s hands, but not counting him, Dmitry was the next one in line that I trusted the most.  He had been there for me after my world exploded and he talked some sense into me.  Rocky tried to protect me from the truth, Irina threw it in my face and told me to grow a pair, but Dmitry…he actually took the time to sit down with me and explain things.  I had an enormous amount of respect for the man. 

            “Good.  Thank you.  I would never do anything to betray that trust.  Now shut up and take the damn pill.”

            Dmitry counted out six for him and one for me.  I really did not want to do this, but I did it anyway.  Hopefully I would just fall asleep on the plane and not be so nervous.

            “What was that?” I asked after it went down the hatch.

            “A very strong sedative.  If I can take a handful, then you should be fine with one.”

            “If I throw up, I’m going to kill you,” I warned.  “Throwing up is my biggest fear in life.”

            We walked back to Rocky and Sergio.  They were stretching their legs and getting ready to board the plane.  I wondered how long it would take for Dmitry’s magic pill to start working.  The answer to that question was about two minutes.

            “It smells really nice in this airport,” I muttered randomly, looking around and breathing deeply.  “Like popcorn and coffee and cheesecake.”

            “I don’t think cheesecake has a smell,” Dmitry argued.

            “Cheese has a scent and cake has a scent.  Using that logic, cheesecake has a scent,” I said.  Damn.  I was so smart.  I think this was a brain pill.

            Dmitry stuck his finger in my face and said, “Oh, really?  A fish has a smell and a vagina has a smell.  But sometimes they’re the same smell.”

            I bust out laughing and giggled, “That makes no sense, you twat!”

            “Dmitry, who are you fucking that it smells like fish down there?” Sergio asked, shaking his head in disappointment, presumably at Dmitry’s sexual partners.

            This caused me to laugh even harder.

            “I can’t feel my arms.  They’re floating,” I said, flapping my arms like a bird.

            “Son of a bitch!” Rocky snapped.  “Dmitry, what did you take and what the fuck did you give to Violet?”

            “I took a few pills and she took a tiny little quarter of a pill.  Don’t worry about it.”

            “He’s a LIAR!  He took like twenty pills and I had a WHOLE one!” I whispered really loudly.  “Shh.  We have to be quiet or they won’t let us on the plane.  I want to see the zombies and the slot machines!  Do you think they have zombies PLAYING the slot machines?”

Do you see the difference?  I was born to write humorous dialogue and NOT evocative imagery.  So I’m pretty sure I’m going to have an epic failure at this Live Write.  I feel sorry for the author that’s stuck being my partner.

Dear Author who’s drawn the short straw and forced to be my Live Write partner, I apologize in advance for messing up your story with witty dialogue, curse words, and absolutely no fancy prose.

Oh my goodness.  Am I even allowed to swear at all during this thing?  I mean when I first meet new people, I’m all about the ‘please,’ ‘thank you,’ and ‘have a lovely day.’  But after you get to know me (which takes all of ten minutes), my formality usually goes out the window and the SH*TS, A$$E$, and worse start creeping into the conversation.  Am I rude?  No.  It’s just the way I speak.  I will have to try super hard to contain myself at this event, so as not to look like I’m insane.

Also, I have a BAD habit of randomly capitalizing words in sentences.  Most normal authors use italics when they want to stress a word, but not me.  ‘Grace’ and ‘Normal’ do not go hand in hand.  I like to use ALL caps when I want to stress a word.  This is not something I do on purpose.  It’s instinct…like breathing.  When I read books where proper authors use italics, I think to myself, “So THAT’S how you’re supposed to do it!” and then I go back to using my all caps like a weirdo.

Okay.  I’m going WAY off topic.  I forgot what this blog post was even supposed to be about.  Deep breath.

1) You are ALL cordially invited to attend my very first ever Live Write event.  Here is the link to the event on Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/events/112486379365044

I’m LIVE from 8-9pm USA Central Time Zone.

Please feel free to come and watch me go down in flames.  Please also know that while you’re at home being a spectator, I will ABSOLUTELY sweating through several layers of deodorant and frequently wiping my palms on my jeans and muttering, “WHY did I sign up for this?”

2) If that little snippet from My Dirty Vacation (up abovein RED) caught your eye…I’d like to mention that it’s currently on sale for the low, low price of only 99 cents or £0.99 (for my Brits!).  The sale runs from July 20 – July 27 on a Kindle Countdown Deal.  Here is the link in case you would like to take advantage of this amazing, limited time offer.   https://www.amazon.com/My-Dirty-Vacation-Comedy-Adventure-ebook/dp/B071L5359F

Amazon UK LINK

My Dirty Vacation Amazon Cover

 

I probably should have put that buy link somewhere closer to the top of the email.  I’m HORRIBLE at sales and marketing.

Anyway…as always…thank you very much for reading and have a lovely day!

Grace

 

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